I’m scared.

I’m scared of being whole with someone, being my own everything in front of an audience. I tell myself that rejection isn’t actually rejection, it’s just a selection process. We’re a bad match; I am not being turned away.

But it never feels like that. It feels worse than being picked last: it’s not being chosen at all. It’s exactly why dating is so brutal. Every date, every attempt is a layer of skin gone.

In therapy yesterday we ruminated on a new attitude I seem to have about men and dating, this odd, detached air where sometimes I completely forget the existence of whole men for days on days until some random thing jars my memory. Oh riiight. He exists!

And then when he renters my radar I become nervous that he’s forgotten me too. Is it a sign? If it is it can’t be a good one. Who forgets about someone??

I try to let it go, but it unnerves me, this forgetting, because when I remember I also remember how much I long for a person who’d never be able to forget me. Sometimes I think there are glimmers in the men I’m exploring (this time a batch of Steves) but then I’m afraid to even hope such a thing.

I feel twisted and blindfolded, utterly stagnant and vibrating with inertia to move, but move where??

Maybe I should masturbate and let the stars behind my lids whisper the Universe’s secrets about love and connection. Maybe I should just be brave and let the crush happen.

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A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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6 thoughts on “I’m scared.
  1. Does it make sense to be scared? And there is some truth to the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind…” because our lives, such as they are, don’t revolve around the people we interact with, even on a personal, intimate basis. So unless you’re right there with them on a regular and consistent basis, of course you’re gonna forget them not out of some weird form of rejection but because you have other things that require your attention when you’re not giving it to some guy.

    Dating is a clusterfuck and, at times, a way to keep kicking your own ass. Rejection is rejection; a bad match is a nice way of saying that you’re not what they’re really interested in – or they aren’t where you’re concerned and based on what qualities you’re looking for.

    Anyone that does not meet that criteria gets rejected; their services aren’t needed and, yes, it’s worst than getting picked last even though we tend to say that we save the best for last. It’s often said in some circles that rejection isn’t personal and I call bullshit in that because when someone kinda makes it clear that you’re not what they want – or you find them lacking – to be told to go away is pretty damned personal and more so when we tend to think of ourselves as being desirable; not perfect, mind you, but someone who has good things to being to the table that may outweigh any bad things.

    And when you (or they) find out that this opinion isn’t shared, yeah, it hurts and that which hurts us is usually pretty damned personal.
    Kdaddy23 recently posted…Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The New Normal?My Profile

  2. I forgot something. Dating is about discovering the potential in someone and not necessarily a search for the perfect match. We tend to think about what we want in another person but not so much about what it is about them that we can work with. People tend to date and expect instant chemistry and not giving a single thought that chemistry can be created between two people if they’re willing to work at it.

    And when it doesn’t happen – or it seems to vanish somewhere down the road, a rejection is usually bound to happen – aka the break-up. And if you’re dating multiple guys, my question to you would be, “What are you looking for, Hy?”
    Kdaddy23 recently posted…Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: The New Normal?My Profile

  3. Yep, I hear you. Very well written.

    The rejection is becoming more unbearable over time yet I feel I have no choice but to keep moving forward and putting myself out there. I’m becoming jaded.

  4. This: “Maybe I should masturbate and let the stars behind my lids whisper the Universe’s secrets about love and connection. Maybe I should just be brave and let the crush happen.”

    I want to say, just go for it, just let it happen, but then again I am so afraid you are going to get hurt again and I don’t want that!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…Eroticon 2018: Two For OneMy Profile

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