When I was married and miserable I believed that being away from my partner was the best decision and that it would be absolutely worth it.
Today, I question it every time my baby goes back to my ex, to his new wife and step-child where my own blood is not unlike Cinderella. Mocked and disdained, misunderstood and ridiculed.
My ex’s new house is rigid with its rules and they don’t appreciate the free spirit that is Peyton. My baby is just like me and that draws a large target. I’m at once ashamed for my influence – either inherited or learned – and proud. Fuck those twats. Live big, baby. Live big!!
I cried today when I was alone and the transfer was complete. You’d think that after 7 and a 1/2 years of this it’d be easier, but I swear it’s as painful today as the very first week I was baby-less. The longing, the fear that Peyton’s emotional safety is at risk, that my selfishness has put us all here in this position.
My ex would have been happy in a sexless and loveless marriage for the rest of his miserable life. I was the one who said NO. I was the one who insisted on more. I was the one who refused to teach her child that kind of relationship was ok. It wasn’t my ex. He was a fucking pussy, dead inside from the tip of his pretty pansy toes to his dark grey eyes with the long doe lashes.
I’ve kept myself busy today with crying atop of my unfolded laundry and a little yoga. Then I endeavored to finish my Game of Thrones binge with white wine and intermittent texting with a friend or two. Now I’m missing my blood like air and I am sad for all my failures.
Failure to keep our family together, failure to solve the problems that ate us up, and failure to endure our life together. I will never stop regretting what has happened to my child, but I do not regret leaving the man I married. It’s a tangled place to live, these two places. One of regret and one of none. But it’s true.
My baby is here for a reason and I have to trust that has a purpose whether or not it’s easy to fulfill. So I’ll just squirm in my uneasy extroverted loneliness and hope that my isolation ends soon.