A long, sad day.

When I was married and miserable I believed that being away from my partner was the best decision and that it would be absolutely worth it.

Today, I question it every time my baby goes back to my ex, to his new wife and step-child where my own blood is not unlike Cinderella.  Mocked and disdained, misunderstood and ridiculed.

My ex’s new house is rigid with its rules and they don’t appreciate the free spirit that is Peyton.  My baby is just like me and that draws a large target.  I’m at once ashamed for my influence – either inherited or learned – and proud.  Fuck those twats.  Live big, baby.  Live big!!

I cried today when I was alone and the transfer was complete.  You’d think that after 7 and a 1/2 years of this it’d be easier, but I swear it’s as painful today as the very first week I was baby-less.  The longing, the fear that Peyton’s emotional safety is at risk, that my selfishness has put us all here in this position.

My ex would have been happy in a sexless and loveless marriage for the rest of his miserable life.  I was the one who said NO.  I was the one who insisted on more.  I was the one who refused to teach her child that kind of relationship was ok.  It wasn’t my ex.  He was a fucking pussy, dead inside from the tip of his pretty pansy toes to his dark grey eyes with the long doe lashes.

I’ve kept myself busy today with crying atop of my unfolded laundry and a little yoga.  Then I endeavored to finish my Game of Thrones binge with white wine and intermittent texting with a friend or two.  Now I’m missing my blood like air and I am sad for all my failures.

Failure to keep our family together, failure to solve the problems that ate us up, and failure to endure our life together.  I will never stop regretting what has happened to my child, but I do not regret leaving the man I married.  It’s a tangled place to live, these two places.  One of regret and one of none. But it’s true.

My baby is here for a reason and I have to trust that has a purpose whether or not it’s easy to fulfill.  So I’ll just squirm in my uneasy extroverted loneliness and hope that my isolation ends soon.

 

 


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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9 thoughts on “A long, sad day.
  1. I so understand these conflicting feelings: I left my ex for what, at the time, seemed to be purely selfish reasons. I am poly, he is not. But we had not entered into our marriage with that understanding, so I felt such guilt for not following through on the vows I had made, not sticking it out and being what he – and society – wanted me to be. It’s especially hard now when I hear my children’s perspective on it. They are incredibly open-minded, but they *did* suffer, in ways I had had no idea of.

    On the other hand. They have been witness now to two people who love each other acknowledging that sometimes…love alone isn’t enough. And we *all* have a right to choose happiness. And…that’s ok.

    It’s hard now for you I know. Especially when you see Peyton being treated poorly. I was blessed not to have to contend with that (instead I deal with my petty jealousy when my daughter’s stepmother one-ups me yet again in the “I’m the best mom ever!” category.) But don’t question that you did right. Honestly? That choice is dead and gone. Make the best of the choices you have made, know that you made them believing you *were* doing the best for you both (and, based on what you have said here, it seems obvious you have), and move forward. Someday, I am a firm believer, your child will come to you and tell you you did, just as mine have.
    Jade recently posted…June 14 – Plugged SlutMy Profile

    1. I appreciate the support, Jade! It’s tough! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one to pull the plug on a relationship that just didn’t fit right. I fight he guilt off and on.

      I really and truly hope this woman my ex married one-ups me one day with Peyton, too. Omg it’d be like winning the lottery! :). For the both of us!

  2. Is this move to your ex-husband’s house a permanent one for your daughter?
    Did I miss something? I lived in a rigid family where one big fight was over who brought the bad blood into the family. The bad blood was me! I hope for both you and your daughter that this will pass. Many things do pass.

    1. No, we share custody and Pey goes back and forth every week. This summer there will be two two-week stints due to my ex’s vacation travel needs. Today is the start of the first one.

  3. As the child of divorced parents who also did shared custody, I can tell you that she’ll be okay. Once she’s old enough, she might decide where she wants to live full time. When I was 11 I said I wanted to be with my mom full time and that’s what happened. Hopefully you are on good enough terms with your ex to follow your child’s desires if and when it becomes apparent.

    She knows where she belongs. Kids are resilient.

  4. Unfortunately, I can totally relate on the fear that our children’s emotional (and physical) well-being is not taken into account when they’re at their dad’s.

    There too their emotional well-being was completely disregarded to put her child first. Who moves a child out of their bedroom, gives that room to their new spouse’s child and leaves their child to discover the whole thing after the fact?

    This said, some friend of my kids learnt that they had a half brother… who was 4 years old!
    So I guess there is worse than what my kids are going through!

    I don’t regret leaving him. Not for one minute. Even for my children. They are experiencing tough stuff and I’m sorry they have to, but I’m not the one who makes it so. HE is responsible for being an asshole and treating his kids this way.
    I did all I could to protect them as much as possible while they were younger. Now that we’re all approaching teenage years, I am willing to let them see what a jerk he is, abusive and manipulative. Some of them are willing to see it now. At least one of them has become aware.

    I have to hold on to the hope that, by leaving him, I am giving them the option of not reproducing the crazy cycle I was part of. Teaching them what it means to be in a respectful, loving relationship.

    You’re doing the same with Peyton. And I promise you that, one day, s/he will understand why you did. And that s/he too deserves love and respect and is allowed to walk away whenever the other is not willing to work towards such a relationship.

    Hang in there Hy. I too still suffer from them being away at times. Use that time to do things that are good for you. Study, rest, read, go out, have fun, see friends, travel… whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
    Hugs!
    XO

  5. WOW i waited until my sexless wife left me because of who i am.
    She has broken the hearts of our grown children because they saw me wait and love her even when they thought i was going over board. Life is life friends and those that loves us for who we are what we do are the ones that get us through the tough times.
    Ani speaks thru her experiences trust her trust your baby Life will be good .

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