I posted a picture on my personal Instagram today with a rare glimpse behind the curtain. The image is of me, in black and white, wearing a spaghetti strap dress with a tiny bit of my lace bralette peeking out of the top. My left hand is curled around a strap in a relaxed manner, my eyes look into the lens. I think it’s at once provocative and innocent.
I look pretty and I’m surprised by my own assessment. I haven’t felt pretty in a very long time. I’ve felt invisible and unimportant, lonely. Trapped in a life I know I’ve created for myself, but unable to change it for whatever reason.
With this picture of me I included the following words:
I wonder how much longer I’m going to have to go through this life alone. My exhusband accused me once of deliberately avoiding long term relationships until Peyton left home. HA HA!
Trust me, if I found a man worthy of me and my baby I’d be all over him like white on rice, but solving my loneliness is *not* more important than having the right puzzle piece in our lives.
I wish I could say that my boyfriend was next to me getting a pedi the day I took this pic, but the truth is I was alone as usual. Just like at all the games and events and birthdays and holidays and Target runs.
A lucky 2 or 3 got the text of me sitting there all innocently buxom, but I sent it knowing not one of them would ever turn into the man I’m looking for to cruise the aisles of Target with me.
Guess I have nothing else to do but to continue to be patient.
A couple of my friends replied with support, but I got a text from one of my very oldest of friends, Lainey. We were virginal cheerleaders together whose past times included egging houses from the back of her Mustang convertible.
Hey pretty girl. I saw your post and I know you didn’t ask for advice so I’m not giving you any. Just an observation about my own life.
1. I’ve had multiple relationships since my divorce. I still feel alone a lot even when I am in a relationship.
2. No one will ever love your kid like you do. I guess theoretically it’s sorta possible but it legit just doesn’t happen
3. People are fucking selfish and can’t see past their own shit. Being single allows me to worry about my own self and what makes me happy in a way that no one else is gonna do for me….
4. Even in a good relationship, at our age, with kids and work and soccer and etc etc etc, you will still be physically alone a lot. It’s fine.
I see my current bf every one to two weeks, and it does suck to not have him there for a Target run or other ‘normal things’, but when we do get to do that together it is all the more special.
5. I love you. ?
I appreciated her thoughts – totally – but realized that my general opaqueness with even my closest friends has painted a picture of me that doesn’t do what I’ve been through any justice. I have kept the definition of my life, the finer points of my heartache, contained here in this space far from their eyes.
I wrote her back:
Aw, I’ll start with #5 and say I love you, too!??
What I’m about to say for the rest is gonna sound like a big fat bummer, but it’s true. Everything you said I can relate to, but only intellectually.
I’ve only had one relationship since I left in 2010 and that man (The Neighbor) barely wanted to date me. His disinterest in Peyton was a huge deal and had he not left me I’d have ended things in large part because of it – I won’t invite someone into my life who makes my kid feel invisible or not good enough. I know first hand what that’s like. And I have had so few 3rd dates in all those years I could probably count them on both hands.
I have been so alone, on a hamster wheel of dating and not dating, and I’m just tired. I’d love to have someone in my life who wanted to see me even only every couple of weeks, and who enjoyed my kid when we all hung out together, but I don’t. And it sucks. And I see no end to this because I haven’t met anyone worthy of even meeting my friends, let alone my child, and the older I get the less patience I have with fucking idiot men and all their bullshit.
I’m envious that you’ve had as many actual boyfriends as you have since you left your husband, though I know it’s been terrible and painful on occasion. I’m happy for you that you have people who want to do the work with you. I just haven’t had the same kind of luck.
I try to focus on my freedoms and I’m grateful for them, but it’d be really nice to have someone love me again, too, and all the crap that comes with that. I never really felt loved by my exhusband either, so for whatever reason today it all felt just so bleak and awful. Then I wondered when has anyone ever really loved me?? When I was 24? Ok, maybe my exhusband loved me a little, but he certainly didn’t like me and he made that abundantly clear.
Sorry this text is so long, but I’m on my laptop and I can’t do spaces lol
Now I’m sitting here thinking, Is that really true? Do I actually wonder if I’ve ever been loved by a man? And I think the answer is yes. I think I do wonder in my darker moments.
I also think I need to stop hiding so much from the people who dare to love me and who knew me when my heart was filled with hope back when I wore a short cheerleading skirt and had the wind in my hair.
I wish it were as easy as giving them this blog address – the real key to my heart – then they’d know me like you all do and wouldn’t be surprised by emotional social media posts and a little peek at my soul.