The heart hangover is real.

Today I’ve floated in a quasi-state of semi-panic.

I said too much.  I am too much.  I revealed far too much.

I am so bad at this real normal human dating bullshit.  And what the fuck am I doing again???  He’s married.

And this could end so very badly for me.  There is something out there in this relationship with him that’s bigger than me: a family, a kid, a wife.

The priority will always be them, not me, but ohmygod, he’s so fucking lovely.  Stupidly tall and delicious, funny and self-deprecating, sweet and simmering.

He’s promised to “darken my doorway again,” but this week is bad for the both of us.  He’s processing things, but “not one thing I shared is negative,” he assured me.  There’s just no time between children and work and Father’s Day on Sunday.  Poof, the follow-up face-to-face time I need to settle the fuck down isn’t possible and I am vibrating with regret and fear.

I don’t know why he would bother with me.  I’m complicated.  My secret double life has cost me a man or two in the past already; I wouldn’t be surprised if after a few days Elliot decides he doesn’t want anything to do with it, either.  With me.

I don’t know what came over me, but if I could un-ring that bell I would.  I don’t like feeling this shallow of breath, this crawling of skin.  I prefer to have had shown not one of my cards except the Joker between my legs and definitely not the Queen of Hearts.

It was too soon.  Maybe it will always be too soon.  I don’t like that I am such an acquired taste and wish instead that I could be gobbled up by anyone I wanted, but no, instead I am whiskey in his coffee.





A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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13 thoughts on “The heart hangover is real.
  1. As someone mentioned in a comment on your other post, there are some positives about being #2. You don’t have to worry about whose turn it is to take out the trash, or the likes. True, you don’t get to wake up next to him every day either. But I find that sometimes it’s nice to sleep alone!

    As for regrets… think about it. He has other things to explain to his kids before he worries about the Hy part of you. He is in an open relationship, which is NOT easy for most people to accept.

    It takes someone special (like you?) to accept that. True, it means that for father’s day, he’ll be with his kids. It doesn’t mean that, if you stay together a long time, you won’t be invited along to family outings.

    Just breathe Hy. Breathe. And wait until next week. Don’t overanalyse it. Whatever happens happens, it’s out of your hands now. Just let it go and enjoy life as best you can.


  2. Don’t put the cart before the horse, Hy. Don’t “borrow trouble,” as my mom would say. It’s done now and out of your hands. Breathe. You wanted this man to know you, to know your “truth.” It’s normal to be anxious, just give yourself and him time to adjust, to you Hy, but also to you (and you to him) as a new relationship. It might be that you don’t want to be a secondary, but right now you don’t even know what that would look like. And as hard as it is to be a 2nd at times, there are definitely some benefits too. But all that is for later. For now, breathe and enjoy life and do something good for yourself.

  3. This is indeed a difficult situation for you to revisit again and again. That is probably what I would do while becoming less and less objective. It seems like Elliot may have put his own situation up for his examination without thinking that it might play out with his own self examination being repeated and repeated.

    Instead of thinking how difficult this all is you could leave what was unsaid about ‘Hy’ unsaid. Let it play out in real time even if Elliot may have to go slower than you may like, or not. Sometimes things work out well and it is a pleasant and joyful surprise.

    I have a friend who many years ago left stainless steel handcuffs on her night stand. It was just a visit, but I did include her in my thoughts and dreams. She was embarrassed and the handcuffs quickly disappeared. I never ask what I didn’t know if I wanted to know. Years later she said “I have my secrets” and I said “I know you do” and went on with our conversation.

    Perhaps Elliot will want to continue seeing you and will have heard enough and never ask anything along those lines ever again. This is very possible.


  4. I wouldn’t be all bent out of shape about being #2 for now; you could be one of the millions of women wondering why they can’t find a man – any man – to be interested in them as well as millions of other women who believe that it’s better to have all of nothing than to have part of something. You told him about the blog – good or bad thing? That remains to be seen and it does seem as if this is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t moments… but if you told him about it and he vanishes like smoke on the wind, oddly, that’s better than you not telling him, he somehow manages to find out, freaks out, and now you have an even bigger problem on your hands.

    What continually amazes me is with all the people you know, you can’t seem to find that one guy who not only wants what you want but wants to share it all with you. It’s not that you suck at dating because you never seem to have a problem being dated, even if it’s just for sex; if anything, what you are – lusty, sensual, sexual – tends to clash with who you are – a mom, a successful blogger that tells an amazing story about a woman who has few qualms about getting what she needs… while not getting what she really needs.

    You can, in fact and in deed, be gobbled up by anyone of your choosing – you just have it like that… but there’s nothing wrong with a little whiskey in the coffee for that extra touch of oomph, if ya know what I mean. Too little whiskey doesn’t work… but too much doesn’t work either.

    I’ve been reading your blog for years and, personally, I think you are one hell of a woman and I’ve always thought that I’d be just fine and dandy with who and what you are… but there aren’t that many men who sees you for just being you; not many men who would feel comfortable trying to deal with the things that you’re passionate about and there sure as hell ain’t that many men who would look at these things and say to you, “This sounds like fun – can we do them together?”

    That’s the guy you need… I just can’t understand why you can’t find him…
    KDaddy23 recently posted…Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Bisexual AngstMy Profile

  5. Don’t doubt yourself, lovely. Just accept that he says you haven’t said too much, that none of it is negative. Give him the space and he will come back to you to darken your doorway like he said. Just breathe, breathe, breathe and believe in yourself. He will be the lucky one to have YOU, wifey. Always remember that!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…How to keep your rabbit vibrators in orderMy Profile

  6. It sounds like you wrote another post about him but I haven’t read it so sorry if you wrote this in your other post. Anyways, I’m curious, have you talked to his wife to verify he is in an open relationship? Do people do that?? How does one know someone is in an open relationship and not cheating on his/her partner?

    1. There should be hyper links to the back story. I weave them in to my writing and don’t give an obvious CLICK HERE kind of thing :)

      But yes, lots of people are in real open relationships. His wife knows about me and is happy for him that he’s met me. She has her own pursuits, as well. And to answer your last question, there is no way of verifying, except that his offer to meet her would make it a little weird if it weren’t true!

      1. I was thinking after I wrote this that anyone I date I won’t know if what they are telling me is the truth either…gotta go with our gut instinct on rather people are good people or not

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