I panicked.

Well that was embarrassing.

At first I was overly confident and then I was its exact opposite: panicked, frothing and lost.  Super hot mess coming in even hotter!

I thought I had it in me to look at the bigger picture, to remain calm, and to be reasonable.  What I didn’t take into account is the depth of my emotional trauma from my relationships and dating.

Elliot should have let me know he was taking a break from his phone for a day or two to reconnect with his family and distancing from his phone in general, but I should also have done a better job of recognizing the fear hissing in my ear and not let it wrap its ugly tendrils around me.  I let all the beautiful words he said get drowned out by that hiss.

We’ve gotten back on track – I think – and what I’ve learned is that as insightful as I am into myself, I am completely overwhelmed by a cacophony of negative voices when it comes to processing things that involve my needs, and then I unravel.  Quickly.

I didn’t expect to need something from him after meeting Eleanor and what that meant: needing to see him and hear from him with the same regularity and intensity as before.  Not getting it shook me hard.

A person with a healthier sense of attachment and dating history than me might have been able to coolly move on and wait it out, trust everything she’d heard from a man who has done nothing overt to disprove that trust, and also never reveal her insecurities in the process.  Ah, to be that person. 

It is not hyperbole when I say it felt like I was getting dumped.  That’s how awful it felt to me.

I have suffered for years at the hands of callous, selfish men and my own really bad decisions. I read old posts about The Neighbor and me and I weep at my desperate longing and his cruel rejections.  But my issues with people are so old that I can think back to high school situations where I gave my heart away to people who never deserved it and then suffered the predictable consequences.

I have never learned how to trust someone.  What’s the process there??  Currently it’s a hodge podge of leaps of faith and will power mixed in with a rather low bar to pass.  Elliot has surpassed my bar, but does that mean he’s actually trustworthy?  Can you trust someone after only a few weeks?  It seems reasonable in the moment, but saying the words out loud sounds rather ridiculous.  Though, innocent until proven guilty, right??

The truth is I often don’t feel like I trust anyone and it’s humbling to me that after all these years I could feel that way.  What have I been doing with my life if not creating a network of people I can trust??  I suppose I trust some people a little…

I won’t beat myself up for my feelings since those are completely out of my control.  Instead I will point to them as illustration of my complexes, lo complexities, and insecurities.  I am so mistrusting that when there is a change in cadence and intensity in communication and interaction I completely fall apart.   The sky is falling, they have discovered I am an unworthy person!  I have fucked up!  This can be true in friendships as well.

I desperately try to find the thing that I did to ruin it followed quickly by ascertaining that I very likely didn’t do anything “wrong,” but perhaps they have legitimately hurt me and that’s what I’m experiencing.  The process to determine that is murky at best: when do I have the right to feel mad/hurt/offended/sad/frustrated?  As far as I’ve been told my entire life the answer would be never.

So when I conclude that my feelings are in fact legitimate what do I do then?  I have absolutely no fucking idea.  So I panic.

Do I say something?  Do I hide it and pretend I didn’t care?  Neither of those ever really work and so I perpetually feel painted in a corner where I am not allowed to say, Hey!  That hurt me!  Be gentle!  Do something different, please!  Kthanksbye!

With Elliot I hope to explore those kinds of feelings and that includes possibly sharing them even when they’re spastic and reactionary.  He will either accept me while I experiment  and learn how to moderate them (and perhaps be a part of my education) or he won’t.  That’s entirely up to him.

As far as he was concerned, the past two weeks have been perfectly fine.  He was getting sick then got sick, felt pulled in six different ways, was recharging his introvert battery and giving me space to spend time with out-of-town family.

Meanwhile I was gasping for air, flailing around like a complete lunatic, seeing distance due to a change of heart, panicking because I had needs (OMG NEEDS), and generally working myself into a complete and total hissy fit.

You ever see that His and Her Diary of the Same Day meme?  Yeah…

I’m a little humiliated for revealing my underbelly like I did.  I’m hopeful that I got my mini meltdown out of my system for the time being so I may press on and be my normal, charming, easy-going self.  I’m on a steep learning curve here, high EQ or not.  I have not had a romantic relationship in my entire life where I could fully trust someone in a deserved way.

The next time I feel the hot hiss of fear in my ear I’m going to take a big girl breath of air, exhale slowly and calmly, and let it pass right over me and wait for something to actually happen instead of inventing it.  Maybe that’s the first step to trusting someone: just letting things unfold.

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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15 thoughts on “I panicked.
  1. So many of your experiences mirror mine. Trust is still a hard fought battle and I have to constantly remind myself not to freak out. Freak outs are to be expected when everyone prior to this point has destroyed your trust.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…We Need to TalkMy Profile

  2. I think trust starts at a certain level with any person we meet, then fluctuates based on our experiences and perceptions with that person. The better we communicate with one another, the higher our trust level, since what they actually mean and what I perceive are better understood. If he gave you more info on what was going on, you would be more comfortable maybe.

  3. My advice:
    1. Talk to him about this (I assume you have, but it’s hard to tell from this)
    2. In that talk clearly articulate what you need when this happens (you may not know yet, and that’s okay. It can evolve)
    3. Then don’t just ‘wait it out’ when you feel this. TELL HIM. Then he can respond in the way/s you’ve agreed, and that will help you feel heard and seen and will reassure you.
    4. ALL THE WINNING :P!

    Ferns

    1. My response:
      1. We did enough to where I feel ok. We’ve yet to see each other so it was only via text.
      2. I will when we see each other and we have ole ty of time and space to connect and discuss.
      3. By “wait it out” I mean to not react immediately and with such force that I exhaust myself. I want to learn mindfulness when it comes to my emotions.
      4. I hope this happens!!!!!
      xx Hy
      PS: You da bomb.

  4. hello, I still think Hy is a bad advisor for Hyacinth. One body for two persons, for two personalities, is inhuman.
    I think it’s high time to kick Hy and his cohort of men. it’s also time to close this blog that tells a life that is not that of Hycinth.
    Abanadonner defines blog, Instagram and other dating sites to give way to true authentic feelings to live fully without the gaze of the world, or dating sex men, married or not.

  5. Heartbreaking. So recognisable. I have bookmarked this page because it resonates so strongly. A lot of overlap with me. Love your work and your vulnerable, fragile soul.
    eve recently posted…Trying too hardMy Profile

  6. I KNOW, right! Been there, done that. Still doing it at times, though much less often, now that I am secure in the trust and love and respect I get.
    Glad you were able to figure this out.
    <3

  7. Dear Hyacinth,

    Need a little room in your head? Seems to my like ‘The Neighbor’ has really over stayed his visit. It is your life, but I would use some of the energy he hogs in your mind to toss him OUT.

    I had a friend that I wanted to talk to all the time. She had her own life and I had tried to jump start some sort of relationship. I was in a bad place at the time. After I heard nothing from her for a week or so, I called the county where she lives and ask if she had died. I told her this and she probably thought I was insane. In a way I was. Things were not going my way at home at all and I had had a crush (like a teenager) on my friend for a long time. I never really knew her that well and after years a absence she and I both had changed a lot. She had some serious problems in her life that were a lot bigger than my problems. I was too close to the forest to see the trees. I checked to see if she was dead? Probably scared the day lights out of her! Now it is an email once or twice a year with no expectations. She doesn’t write back very often, but now I don’t expect more than I get.

    Perhaps you should take care to not freak out because people have different ideas about what is timely. Sometimes they just don’t care very much or even not at all. Try not to be so overtly needy and see what he does. He might start paying more attention to you.

    You could give Elliot lots more room than you would expect other people to give you. It seems like he has a lot on his plate and I would expect his family to come first. His wife may not be happy with what he thinks marriage is and she just bites her lip and hopes he gets IT out of his system. That doesn’t mean you. It means his behavior that his wife could be unhappy about.

    So, should I start a column for the ‘Lonely Hearts’ and change my name to ‘Wanda’? When you read, this consider the source.

    Phillip

  8. Some of this resonated with me, like feeling people have discovered I am not worthy, or that I have done something wrong, even when I know I haven’t. I haven’t thought about those of trust issues, but reading this, I realize they are. When I see two people talking at work, especially behind closed doors, I assume it’s about me. When I don’t hear from people for some time, I assume they don’t want me in their lives. All misconceptions on my side, feeling insecure… I guess I need to work on these too.
    Thank you for your honest and open writing, wifey. Love you!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…Not Done YetMy Profile

  9. You are not a cool, calm, dispassionate person–from the picture of you I have formulated over the years I have read your posts. .Of course, you try to get a handle on your emotions and not let them complicate the issue but…what you are getting involved with is sticky and complicated. This is not standard erotically-charged romance, after all.

    He cannot expect you to not have any concerns, as you are not Tahiti in contrast with his spouse.

    What are you expecting to take away from this experience? Maybe once you answer that question, you can better tailor your responses to (and expectations of) him.

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