Elliot is a long list of things. Miles of arms and legs and words and mysteries. Endless lines of communication and jokes and texts. Long stretches of deep, soft kisses and fingers in holes with toasted brown eyes and endless gazes.
He also claims to not be sexually motivated.
“Sex isn’t my driving force,” he has said on multiple occasions. And then I twitch.
My exhusband once told me he could live the rest of his life without sex. I didn’t believe him and I ended up strapped down into a world of loneliness and neglect. Should I believe Elliot’s claims about himself when I feel so engulfed in all of him?
He is amorous and loving, sweet and sexy, but I wouldn’t call the energy potent or pressing. It’s gentle and fog-like, achingly tender. In the moment it’s white hot, but any time before – during the long days apart – it’s chaste. My bids to flirt and get dirty are largely ignored. He claims to have felt less of an urge in general over the years and he shrugged it off as no big deal. I’m not sure what it means for a relationship with him.
Could this be part of why they opened up all those years ago? That there was a mismatch between drives and styles? Perhaps they needed different intensities from their lovers. There’s so much I don’t quite understand. And tomorrow I meet his other half.
Perhaps the pieces will fall together when I see her and hug her hello, lay my eyes on her chestnut locks and quirky frames. They’ve invited me to their house for snacks and booze, their little one will be around in some capacity I imagine, but perhaps my access will be post-bedtime. I don’t know.
I ordered him a t-shirt with floating Scully and Mulder heads on it – I must be falling for him; I used to buy The Neighbor shirts, my exhusband, too. Can I fall for another woman’s husband whose libido is by his own admission not a big part of his life? And is that even true? Is it not?? I’m so confused.
I want to swim in a sea of passion with him, deep as the ocean, as expansive of the sky and all his long limbs. I don’t want to wade in knee-deep waters, but perhaps that’s the unique benefit of an open relationship. Perhaps Elliot will capture and have my heart and I will be left to search for that furor with someone else. Someone elses.
I reread some posts tonight about TN and me from January and March of 2013. We were so overwhelmed by our lust for one another. He played my body like a fiddle and he was always ready for me, hungry for more. Of course he also rejected me with equal measure. Elliot invites me closer, to open up, to trust. My head is spinning.
And did I mention that I’m meeting his wife?
I think there is a silent hope among them that I might fit into their marriage, too. Not just for him, but for her, too. Could she woo me as he has? Would I find myself lost in her soft embrace with his lips on my neck? Their hands all over me? Does a man with a lower libido fantasize about such things?? Could I date a couple?
Each question I have raises more questions, nesting eggs of curiosity and uncertainty, when all I really want is to be wrapped up in his long arms tracing the lines of his beautiful face with my fingertips and time standing still with him inside of all of me.