I’m so confused.

Elliot is a long list of things.  Miles of arms and legs and words and mysteries.  Endless lines of communication and jokes and texts.  Long stretches of deep, soft kisses and fingers in holes with toasted brown eyes and endless gazes.

He also claims to not be sexually motivated.

“Sex isn’t my driving force,” he has said on multiple occasions.  And then I twitch.

My exhusband once told me he could live the rest of his life without sex.  I didn’t believe him and I ended up strapped down into a world of loneliness and neglect.  Should I believe Elliot’s claims about himself when I feel so engulfed in all of him?

He is amorous and loving, sweet and sexy, but I wouldn’t call the energy potent or pressing.  It’s gentle and fog-like, achingly tender.  In the moment it’s white hot, but any time before – during the long days apart – it’s chaste.  My bids to flirt and get dirty are largely ignored.  He claims to have felt less of an urge in general over the years and he shrugged it off as no big deal.  I’m not sure what it means for a relationship with him.

Could this be part of why they opened up all those years ago?  That there was a mismatch between drives and styles?  Perhaps they needed different intensities from their lovers.  There’s so much I don’t quite understand.  And tomorrow I meet his other half.

Perhaps the pieces will fall together when I see her and hug her hello, lay my eyes on her chestnut locks and quirky frames.  They’ve invited me to their house for snacks and booze, their little one will be around in some capacity I imagine, but perhaps my access will be post-bedtime.  I don’t know.

I ordered him a t-shirt with floating Scully and Mulder heads on it – I must be falling for him; I used to buy The Neighbor shirts, my exhusband, too.  Can I fall for another woman’s husband whose libido is by his own admission not a big part of his life?  And is that even true?  Is it not??  I’m so confused.

I want to swim in a sea of passion with him, deep as the ocean, as expansive of the sky and all his long limbs.  I don’t want to wade in knee-deep waters, but perhaps that’s the unique benefit of an open relationship.  Perhaps Elliot will capture and have my heart and I will be left to search for that furor with someone else.  Someone elses.

I reread some posts tonight about TN and me from January and March of 2013.  We were so overwhelmed by our lust for one another.  He played my body like a fiddle and he was always ready for me, hungry for more.  Of course he also rejected me with equal measure.  Elliot invites me closer, to open up, to trust.  My head is spinning.

And did I mention that I’m meeting his wife?


I think there is a silent hope among them that I might fit into their marriage, too.  Not just for him, but for her, too.  Could she woo me as he has?  Would I find myself lost in her soft embrace with his lips on my neck?  Their hands all over me?  Does a man with a lower libido fantasize about such things??  Could I date a couple?

Each question I have raises more questions, nesting eggs of curiosity and uncertainty, when all I really want is to be wrapped up in his long arms tracing the lines of his beautiful face with my fingertips and time standing still with him inside of all of me.






A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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6 thoughts on “I’m so confused.
  1. I’m not sure why you are conflating ‘“sex isn’t my driving force” with “low libido”.

    Obviously you know the guy and maybe his libido IS low, but from the sounds of him he sounds like a man whose driving force is connection and intimacy, vs (possibly mindless, cock-driven, random) sex (not that there’s anything wrong with that :)).

    I could be wrong of course: I can only go by the words you say.

    From the outside, it seems to me that the leap you made there is coloured by your experiences with men who ARE driven by sex (and who therefore sometimes treat you as an object from which they can GET said sex (vs a person with whom to share something more/else)). And I think maybe you have measured your worth as a partner by how driven they are by it (or perhaps how you can drive THEM with it), in which case his view represents a strange and foreign (and undesirable?) feeling that is setting you a little adrift.

    But then again, maybe you’re conflating them because he’s using ‘not driven by sex’ as an excuse for a low libido and I’ve missed where you talked about that.

    Good luck with meeting his wife. Fingers crossed :).


    1. What she ^^ said!

      I mean, from what I read (and I realise it’s only a small part of the picture), his sexability seems to work fine for you.

      My first reaction when reading this is that it could simply be you’re scared that he may just be interested in MORE than sex. That sex isn’t the reason he wants to see you. I know it can feel scary. I’m not sure I have quite internalised it myself…
      But he seems like someone who likes YOU, the whole YOU, and wants to spend time with YOU enough that he wants you to meet his wife, so as to reassure both of you that he’s not lying perhaps ;)
      Or perhaps so that you can do more things with them, which may or may not include sex.

      Good luck with the meeting. But remember: you are worth attention and care for more than just your sexability! :D

  2. Scary stuff. Especially the part about meeting his wife. I have no advice except to not get angry no matter what. It seems like anything could happen.

    I wonder about the kid. I personally hope they get a baby sitter. Even if you have to pay for it. My experience with children is to keep it simple and leave the confusing stuff for later.

    I think that Ferns and Dawn have a better grip than I and that what they say is important and should be contemplated with as little bias as possible.

  3. Such interesting, nerveracking, poised on the edge moments. I feel the potential and the terror. The others have addressed it far better than I. So, an anecdote. I’ve always gone full throttle when it comes to lovers/romance has got me into more hot water than I care to think about, but its been fabulous too. Recently at age 64 when I said I was done with all that, I met someone through a friend who assured me he’d be a great fuck buddy. Except he wasn’t and isn’t. Instead we had a long conversation where he told me sex was not on the agenda but was happy for hugs and touch. (intimacy). Hugs to die for, energy going crazy. Tried to renegotiate. Nope. I backed off and have now accepted we will not be leaping into bed anytime soon. Instead he asked for companionship, someone to walk beside on a path, no particular destination planned. I’ve never been in such an intimate relationship before: We talk in two hour stretches on the phone, we’ve got each others backs, we do date type stuff – galleries, movies, food. Offer each other massages, energy healing. I’ve posed nude for him for my blog, he’s going to pose nude for my drawing (its winter too fucking cold ATM). Extended hugs as needed, and the occasional holding of a hand. (Sadly no kisses, but that is too sexual). And always there is a sense of possibilities unfolding. We are learning about each other slowly, carefully, with some small retreats partly because I’m “gungho” and he’s more “slowfood”. I take care of my sexual needs via toys, but we are both open to possibility of me getting sex and kink elsewhere. We live separate lives, but remain in regular communication. If I’d stayed with the familiar pattern I’d have pushed him away. It was hard at first because I saw it as a rejection of me – my age, my weight, my sexuality, but now I’m seeing it as an acceptance of all of me…
    I hope this provides a different perspective. And best wishes with it.
    Indie xx
    Indigo Byrd recently posted…In honour of M – sashaying awayMy Profile

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