They don’t say beautiful things.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  The birds weren’t chirping, they were harassing…. and there was no text from him.

It’s now nearly 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon and by 6:30 it will have been 24-hours since I heard from Elliot.  He said he called in sick to work yesterday, politely answered my texts as he has been for a week, and then he went radio silent after responding to a funny text.

At 10 I texted goodnight and that I hoped he’d feel better.

Nothing.

I’ve been here before.  Not often, but on occasion and with some regularity.  A man shows intense, overwhelming, convincing interest prior to me giving them something they want.  When I give it, he loses interest and I am left with my dick in my hand.  This time was different, though.  He said beautiful things to me.  He didn’t want just my body, he wanted me to open up and be available.

Spreading my legs and moving on would have been easier.

Peyton and I have had a shitty day together, too – I wasn’t the only one who should’ve stayed under the covers – and as we battled over what activity to do today I had to fight tears: why doesn’t anyone want to do anything with me??  Completely irrational, I know, but I feel so. fucking. alone. right now.

My baby is a child and has no responsibility in this obviously, but the fact that I couldn’t convince a kid that playing in the water with me was fun was a sad likeness to my life in general: Basically that I can’t convince anyone I’m worth their time or effort.

I’ve been weepy.  This feels like I’m getting dumped.

You may be thinking I’m bat shit crazy.  Well, yeah.  I am terrified and confused and I don’t know which end is up.  Welcome to the jungle, my friends.  A place where I have zero chill and to trust is akin to peeling off my skin and standing in a breeze and I. fucking. hate. it.

This is so fucking stupid.

Anyone in years and decades long relationships will probably think I’m goddamned nuts.  “Hy, it’s only been 8 weeks!”  Yeah, well, for a lot of those weeks he said the most beautiful things to me and no one ever says beautiful things to me.  They fuck me and they praise me, but they don’t say beautiful things.

I’m learning that beautiful things are the most dangerous.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “They don’t say beautiful things.
  1. I didn’t like this post because…..I don’t. I still have hope for the two….er….three of you, but I feel your pain through your words…..The same way I could feel your words of joy in the beginning. They say women are complicated, but too often it’s men who don’t know themselves. That makes it hard on the women who love us. Continue to know that there are MANY of us out here who are on your side and care about you.

  2. I’ve had such similar experiences prior to Michael. It’s almkst painful to read this because my last attempt at a relationship with someone went this exact way. It’s sooo brutal and it’s hard not to be irrational about it. Emotions are a tricky thing to play with and it’s why still struggle to engage mine at times. Hang in there, maybe he’ll surprise you
    Cara Thereon recently posted…Thinking through a blockMy Profile

  3. Everything looks better on a full stomach. I am going out for a chicken Cesar salad. It will be a table for one. I need the food and I like the salad. Really, things do look better on a full stomach.

  4. I am so sorry. I have been in a relationship for decades and I do no’t think you are nuts at all. I have been reading this situation with Elliott and I have not had a good feeling all along, but didn’t want to be a downer. I was hoping I was wrong, He asked you to open up. You did. He knows how vulnerable you are. And still, he treats you as he is doing right now, with politeness and distance. That is not right. He knows exactly what he is doing to you. It makes me angry. The least he could do, is open up to you. He has issues, Hy. Big issues.

  5. Sending hugs and I really hope it’s only because he is sick and trying to get better to see you soon again, that he is not answering. You definitely are worth spending time with. I know.

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…MadeliefMy Profile

  6. Hate to say it, but this was a recipe for disaster from the start. He was in position to only give you part of what you want.

  7. Don’t kick yourself because things are not going as you hoped. It is always a crapshoot until…it isn’t.

    We all have an idea in our heads on how an romantic liaison should play itself out. Sometimes it works to our script and others, not. :-/

    You are not nuts; you are just disappointed.

  8. I don’t have much to say aside from: I know how tough it is when they go silent. I’ve had that many times in the past, and I hated every minute of it. Even when I am now still with that man, almost 3.5 years on. It is not what I expected from a relationship at first. But it works for us, somehow. That’s the thing though: it works for US.
    If it doesn’t work for you, then you are entitled to say stop. Just know that I still have, somewhere in my drafts folder, an email I’d written 3 years ago, saying that I wasn’t sure about whether I could keep going on like this, with the uncertainty. I never sent it. I am glad I didn’t.
    Hang in there Hy, whatever you decide. Do it for YOU.
    <3

  9. I empathize with that aching feeling; I’ve been there. It’s awful! I know. I know.

    I also know that it doesn’t work like this but I wish I could impart to you some wisdom I’ve learned: Other people’s needs and time and interests can’t always revolve around us. Not in a new relationship, not in a very long-held one. He is living his life. He doesn’t owe you responses just because you are feeling needy. People ebb and flow. That fact won’t ever change.

  10. Ive been absent from WP for a couple months & am just now getting caught up on the world of Hy. This made me sad… probably because it reminds me of me. Do take care of yourself, Hy.

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