I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The birds weren’t chirping, they were harassing…. and there was no text from him.
It’s now nearly 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon and by 6:30 it will have been 24-hours since I heard from Elliot. He said he called in sick to work yesterday, politely answered my texts as he has been for a week, and then he went radio silent after responding to a funny text.
At 10 I texted goodnight and that I hoped he’d feel better.
I’ve been here before. Not often, but on occasion and with some regularity. A man shows intense, overwhelming, convincing interest prior to me giving them something they want. When I give it, he loses interest and I am left with my dick in my hand. This time was different, though. He said beautiful things to me. He didn’t want just my body, he wanted me to open up and be available.
Spreading my legs and moving on would have been easier.
Peyton and I have had a shitty day together, too – I wasn’t the only one who should’ve stayed under the covers – and as we battled over what activity to do today I had to fight tears: why doesn’t anyone want to do anything with me?? Completely irrational, I know, but I feel so. fucking. alone. right now.
My baby is a child and has no responsibility in this obviously, but the fact that I couldn’t convince a kid that playing in the water with me was fun was a sad likeness to my life in general: Basically that I can’t convince anyone I’m worth their time or effort.
I’ve been weepy. This feels like I’m getting dumped.
You may be thinking I’m bat shit crazy. Well, yeah. I am terrified and confused and I don’t know which end is up. Welcome to the jungle, my friends. A place where I have zero chill and to trust is akin to peeling off my skin and standing in a breeze and I. fucking. hate. it.
This is so fucking stupid.
Anyone in years and decades long relationships will probably think I’m goddamned nuts. “Hy, it’s only been 8 weeks!” Yeah, well, for a lot of those weeks he said the most beautiful things to me and no one ever says beautiful things to me. They fuck me and they praise me, but they don’t say beautiful things.
I’m learning that beautiful things are the most dangerous.