Men are so precious: How to weed out the idiots with your online profile

Let me set the stage.

I have a lengthy and well thought out profile on FetLife that outlines my requirements for a sub (fit, hung, significantly bigger than me to name a few) with an additional requirement nestled in it to vet the lazy, self-absorbed, and/or impatient.  It’s a line towards the bottom where I ask them to tell me what their favorite vacation destination is.  I have this kind of question in all my profiles, actually.

Remember that story about Led Zepplin or some ridiculously huge and famous band whose tour rider was 45 pages long and towards the back, but not at the very end because it’d be easy to spot, was buried a request to have their M&Ms sorted into different groups by color? [Update: it was Van Halen and “no brown M&Ms.”]

Yeah, well, if they showed up to a venue and there weren’t sorted M&Ms they’d walk out the concert promoters wouldn’t get paid.  It was a quick and easy way to know their rider hadn’t been read and they weren’t interested in rewarding folks that half-assed it.  Likewise, I’m not interested in dealing with a sub (or regular man, for that matter) that half-asses it with me, either.

The other thing you need to know is that I bother Ferns with my sub-tales all the time and as soon as I read the last message I copied it and sent it off to her with my thoughts.  Like, instantly. Thank god she loves me.


[My thoughts are in bold italics.]

27M Sensualist
Candidly speaking, I love your profile and would like to get to know you. If that feeling is mutual I would be quite happy. I have a lot to offer in the some of positive sexual energy and friendship. Im a pretty creative, intelligent, and naughty type. Hope to hear from you.
Happy to share more pics too, I actually reduced my images on here to be a bit more privacy oriented after it came to my attention that others were cat-fishing me.
[Lame ass form letter, but he’s hot and hung, so…]

Hy Jones
43F Domme
Have you read my profile?

[Clearly he has not]

Hy Jones
Prove it ;)
[I immediately regretted the winky face]

How so?
[Are you fucking kidding me??? BUT HOT SO…]

Hy Jones
Read my profile and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

favorite vacation part? I love Paris. Riviera. France.
[What a fucking idiot.  I let it sit and 3 weeks later I get:]

Not interested ?

Hy Jones
It’s not flowing, kid. This entire thread has been me pulling teeth. I haven’t enjoyed or been impressed by your correspondence. So, yeah. At this point I am not interested.

Kid? Get off your high horse. You’re not above anyone.

You can’t respond to this conversation because Amongtheclueless has deactivated their account, you’ve blocked them, or they’ve blocked you.

[Immediately copy and paste and send to Ferns]


It’s painful to read this for so many reasons, but this is what dating is like: someone routinely totally and completely misses everything that’s laid out in front of them, gets pissy, huffs off and learns absolutely nothing and goes and does it to someone else.  Me me me me me me!  TL;DR: it’s sum’ bullshit.

The additional preciousness of this correspondence is that he says to a Domme he’s hoping to hook up with, “you’re not above anyone.”  Oh man hahahahaha I can’t even!

Needless to say, I recommend to one and all to bury a little request of the reader/potential lover into your profiles.  It makes culling the herd that much easier and you might get a good fucking laugh out of it, too.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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6 thoughts on “Men are so precious: How to weed out the idiots with your online profile
  1. LOL.

    Ahh, the call of so many of these ‘submissives’ in the wild is very familiar :P.

    “I really liked your profile… *perfectly polite and totally generic blah blah* etc”
    “Oh, what did you like about it?”
    “What you said in it, I can really relate :)”

    If the first message could have been sent to anyone, they are scatter-gunning their generic splooge at everyone: In my experience they do NOT get better from there.

    So precious.

    And by ‘precious’ we both mean ‘ridiculous’ of course :P.

    (and yes, I DO love you :))

    Ferns recently posted…Shhh, don’t talkMy Profile

  2. Oh I feel this so much. It’s one of those “if I had a dollar for every time…” situations. I found the same frustrations: “sub” guys not reading, not responding on full sentences, reeking of entitlement and then they are shocked and horrified when, as a Dominant identifying woman, you call them on their bullshit. Imagine that!

  3. I am lucky in that I haven’t had to deal with this but can totally sympathise if that is typical. Your writing is full of humour and looks at the funny side but I can imagine it is irritating and frustrating having to waste time on this sort of thing. ?
    missy recently posted…Ruby Glow ReviewMy Profile

  4. My FetLife profile clearly states I have a Dominant, yet I get messaged often by Doms (or Dom-wannabes) looking to make a connection. Tables turned, as a Dom, they would be furious to be so disrespcted by another. I feel you. xox

  5. I will say that the kinky are not better at reading comprehending or following directions than the non-kinksters

    I think of online dating as much more of grocery store shopping experience, which can veer off into a fantasy of ‘build a b***h’ pretty fast, sadly,

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