We ran into each other.

Last Thursday I sobbed into an overworked mascara-stained tissue to my therapist.

“I feel so unsafe, so invisible.  Like no one listens to me!”  I cried. The Neighbor moving back had been verified 100%, beyond a doubt, and I was shaken to my core. And tonight the thing I thought would never have to happen again did.

After an exhausting 10-hour day I met up with a lovely 30-year-old single father at a posh restaurant for fancy biscuits, red wine and whiskey.  I took my time mulling over his words and contemplated what it’d be like to have him over me naked and writhing.  Then I hit a wall.

“I have to go.  I can’t form sentences anymore.”

He waited with me for valet and we sweetly hugged goodbye.

I put on My Dad Wrote a Porno and laughed the whole drive home.  Drove up my hill, passed TN’s car, couldn’t find parking by my building as is the norm after 6 pm – and especially after 10 pm – and headed back down the hill, past his car and building until I finally found an open spot.

I sat and listened to the footnotes about the anatomy of a vagina and smiled, safe and warm.  Life was funny. And I wasn’t quite ready to trek up the hill with all my work things.

The podcast ended 7 minutes later and I stood up, realized I left my keys in the console and bent back down to grab them.  When I stood up again I caught a man out of the corner of my eye round the end of his car and head to the driver side door.  It was him.  And he’d probably seen me.

I shut the door, slung my purse over my shoulder and began walking up the hill.

I heard the distinctive deep purr and rumble of his big fancy engine start up.  My heart raced.

He reversed and switched into gear at my hip and I looked at him as he looked over his shoulder at me, two feet apart. It was too dark to make eye contact exactly, but we might as well have.

I kept walking.

He drove out of the complex.

I shook and stomped, furious that we had literally run into each other.

At the top of the hill I was out of breath.  I let the dog out and he took off into the woods.  I called and called, but he had disappeared into the blackness.

More furious than before I thought about writing and purging my rage, but realized I’d left my laptop back in the car.

Back down the hill I went, an idea now formed.

That day I’d soaked my poor tissue my therapist and I had come up with a plan that would help me set a boundary and feel safe, visible: I would leave a note on his door proactively rather than wait for an accidental run in or some deliberate, possibly aggressive knock on his door.

It would say, “I can’t believe you moved in 100 ft from my front door.  What a selfish, senseless, and cruel thing to do.”  Full stop.

Some facts, some feelings. Nothing to argue with.

I ripped a page out of the back of my planner and scribbled it down.

It didn’t feel right.

I tried again.

This time it was better.

“What on earth would possess you to move back and only 100 feet from my front door?

Senseless and selfish is all I can come up with.”

Heart slamming, chest heaving I hauled ass back up the hill and ran up the two flights of stairs to his third floor door and left it in the pinch clip, facing out.  There would be no avoiding me this time.

I had seen a car entering the complex as I’d ascended the stairs and so I raced back down worried it could have been him.

It wasn’t.

Still shaking I climbed the hill again in the dark, my breath warm milky puffs in the cold night air, my heart just as cold if not colder.

What a bastard.

I’m doing what I want.  It’s what everybody else does. Fuck this noise.  

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “We ran into each other.
    1. Thank you so much for saying that about the note. I am working on owning AND believing in my own feelings and responses. I’m not at all interested in how he takes it, sees it, wants it, etc. whatever I do regarding him is for me and me alone and that felt pretty amazing.

      Re: moving out sooner, I’ll talk to my office, but I just renewed the lease. I doubt they’ll give a shit.

  1. So are the lives of Hy and Hyacinth.
    I will not put a cent on the table that one of the two, if not both, are soon in the bed of this gentleman, both hated and loved.

    1. Honestly I can’t stop thinking about this comment. It’s so not cool. You know I’m a real person, right?? I’m not some character in a show who can’t control herself or make wise and healthy decisions. It’s completely insulting to say you think I’d fuck that man again.

    2. That is a shitty thing to say. Obviously you don’t haven’t read enough about Hy to understand her. Move along, mister, just move along. Nothing for you to see here.

    3. You can break the lease. You may need some legal help. I know that you are not made of money, so perhaps you could dabble in pro bono unless it all gets really ugly. The apartment management will probably be happy to cut you lose and curse themselves for renting to the bastard again. I don’t have any trouble believing the stalking possibility at all. If I were the manager I would say ‘how can we help’ ‘we are sad to lose you’ .

      Management doesn’t want trouble. If your large complex is owned by Vulture Capitalists the manager will want things to go as smooth as possible.

      Phil

    1. Rincewind,

      I double that about safe and all. Some people who live in different countries may sell this country short when it comes to percentage of the citizens in prison, we have (not a bragging point) more than enough guns so that everyone man, woman and child could have more than one. Things have gotten worse over the last fifty years. There is a huge gap between the haves and the have nots. What we all thought we would get as Americans we didn’t. Many are angry. Our politics are really screwed up. I don’t know what is coming, but I am afraid. I’m not so young anymore. I am worried that Hyacinth feels like she has more control of her life than she actually does. I think it doesn’t hurt to get legal advice. Especially pro bono. Just to make some preparation. I think there may be a possibility that Hyacith lives fairly close to me (or not). The sun is nice and warm. She may have ‘Security’ where she lives. I hope she does even though they are low wage workers that maybe like a night job in order to persue an education. Thay do make one feel better. Give them cookies and milk!

      You take care and take pride that you are not confronted with many ,many firearms. I do expect you have your issues where you live as well. You have the ‘Neo Nazies’ and we have ‘The Proud Boys’! Nothing is perfect!

      The fires? I got some great photos or a pea soup green sea with surfers under a mustard colored sky with the sun sinking into the smoke like a giant tangerine above the sea.

      Phillip

      PS Surfers would go out if there was a World Extinction Order!

  2. Sadly, I’m afraid his response to you would be ‘what’s the big deal?’ He seemed to be devoid of any depth of feelings until you were the one putting the stop to things. I can hear him telling you that it’s been over for a while, he likes that area, blah…blah…fucking blah. I believe he’s a passive-aggressive narcissist and contrary to what he may say, he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.

  3. I feel for you Hy. I didn’t live through the Neighbour Experiences with you and I can’t comment on whether he has any emotional intelligence or empathy at all, but I think leaving the note was empowering and strong.

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