I’m fucked up.

My own stupidity and resistance to growth astounds me sometimes.  I see the fork in the road, which side is the right thing to do, and yet I still choose the other.

Very basically it goes something like this: This guy really pisses me off.  I should have nothing to do with him.  But wow, he’s hot and I’m horny and it can’t be that bad, right??  Except it is always that bad.  ALWAYS.

Thursday night was no different and I’m going to share something with you that I find nothing less than utterly humiliating.  It’s embarrassing that as a 43-year-old woman I continue to engage in this behavior.  I know better and yet… here I am.

And then the other side is I can’t flagellate myself too much because that’s giving in to some darker need of mine that may be the ultimate aim of my subconscious to begin with.  I’m stuck in this odd purgatory of regret, remorse, and redemption.

Remember Sassypants?  The so-called sub I was chatting with was a disaster on our first date.  I even told Ann, my therapist, and various other friends leading up to our second date that I knew it was a bad idea, but that I was horny and – say it with me – how bad could it be??

Well, the answer is pretty fucking bad.

I’ll give you the Cliff Notes’s version: he doesn’t believe white privilege exists, argued with me about a tenant of my beliefs, said he was trying to “open my mind,” and that Asian and Indian men here in the States were the most privileged members of our society.  I told him to leave twice, but he remained, and only laughed me off.  I don’t think he knew I was serious and me being me I just drank the pain away and let him stay.

We ended up in a tangled, drunken mess on my couch and I angry-fucked him while roaring orgasms ripped through me.  I cried and moaned my rage in puddles all over my bed.

Much later he thought I wanted to fuck some more so he managed to stuff it inside of me, but began smacking my thighs with his dick to get hard.  I instantly felt small and invisible and remembered every lover who didn’t see me in that move.  My distaste of him afforded me no insight beyond my own.

“Am I even a part of this???  I asked.  “That doesn’t feel good,” I probably slurred.

He snapped.

He swore at me and ran out of the room.  Confused I grabbed a robe and stumbled out into my livingroom where he was angrily snatching up his clothes and his giant box of beer.  He flung open the front door as words were said, angry ones.  It slammed shut with a blast of cold air and then all was quiet.

I’d text him later to say how awful that whole experience was for me. Brief and to the point.  No name calling, just sharing my feelings.  Even later I’d block him on both Fet and the phone, but he’d find a work around and text me from another number to insult me, my age, my communication skills, and basically laugh the whole night off as a colossal joke.

What it boils down to is that I was enraged at myself for allowing this idiot on my couch and feeling ultimately powerless to remove him.  “What is the point of you saying these things to me?!” I asked.  “Are you trying to prove to yourself that you can trick a feminist into fucking some right-wing nut job?  Because none of what you’re saying is making me feel safe or close to you.”

He laughed and assured me I was just misunderstanding him, he was actually a great guy!  Ask his friends!

Blame the booze, blame my deep, dark hard wiring to not believe my own intuition, blame whatever, but I let him stay and it all completely imploded.  I lost myself utterly to my own upset and void of self.  It’s taken me the entire weekend to piece myself back together, tenderly and with much forgiveness.  I’m not wure all the parts are put back properly, to be honest.

The older I get the more tender to the world I become and the learning curve to remember this is steep.  So steep.  I’m never sure when to cut bait, though I am completely aware of the right time.

I’m still insisting on Dating Like It’s 1995 to ok results.  I’m talking to 3 men, all “subs” and I get lots of long emails which I’m loving.  One is one I might need to cut, the other is My Irishman and he is brilliant still and I have these incredible purple-hued pictures of his big, thick cock bound in a new boot lace just for me, and the third is a local 31 yo who’s way out of my league, but who is easy-going and eager and so, who knows?

There are no vanilla prospects and I am finding myself less and less interested in starting there.

Anyway, in case you thought you were ever supposed to have it all figured out by a certain age I’m here to prove to you that there’s no guarantee that will happen.  You may be just as giant an asshole as you were at 23.

I have no stability in my life and it shows.  I don’t do this kind of reckless, stupid shit when I have a steady force in my life.  Even when I had Peter this didn’t happen.  I need an anchor and I’ve yet to discover how to be my own.

I exhaust myself sometimes with my wild, silly decisions and wonder if I’ll ever outgrow them.  God, I sure hope I do, though…

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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17 thoughts on “I’m fucked up.
      1. When I started reading the first two paragraphs… that was exactly where I thought this was going. I literally thought to myself, “dammit Hy, No.” So, although this experience was a disaster… it could’ve been worse.

  1. Oh my sweet friend. Yes, there are some decisions / choices / mistakes we make over and over. I know you’re doing the hard work trying to change those things you don’t like. And I will be here for you no matter how long that takes ?
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…Kyle at the airportMy Profile

  2. Once I wrote “I think I do your worrying for you”. What happened just had to happen someday. Be glad that you are still here to write your blog. Ask your ‘Shrink’ about this experience. Better, have her read your blog.

    I hope that you don’t dump me in with ‘nobrac’, but you really need a plan that isn’t quite wide open. Perhaps a ‘date’ during the daytime somewhere with people (like the Zoo) and have a fake appointment that will terminate the date before happy hour. Do this a couple of times before you consider stepping into the unknown with this person that you now know at least a little about.


    PS Once, long ago while hitchhiking, I came very, very close to not ever getting older. Fortune smiled and he let me out miles from home in the middle of a large wooded area. The only option (it seemed) was the large jack knife I had slipped open and put under my right leg. I had very little confidence that the jack knife would would save my life. I was a fool.

  3. We all make mistakes hun. Unfortunately idiots don’t wear a sign to let us know they are. I think every one of us has a date or two we really wonder ‘what was I thinking?’ It doesn’t help when we do that. The man sounds like an utter cock-head and I am glad you were not hurt more. <3

    1. Dear Dawn,

      I don’t think it is about forgiveness. Ordering sex over the Internet or a casual pick up in a bar will end in death if you persue this behavior long enough. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think this event concerning Hy really demands it. I just knew that someday something really bad was going to happen to her. She could take a lesson and have a real plan that doesn’t include dark places and by that I mean both literally and figuratively. We are living our lives for ‘Keeps’.


      PS Sometimes cheap thrills don’t come cheap.

      1. I wonder what makes you think I am taking this event lightly?
        However, I don’t believe that not being harsh on oneself means you don’t learn the lesson.
        I am sorry you had an awful experience. I just wonder what makes you think I think this is just cheap thrills…

        1. I am sorry and I really didn’t think before I let my comment spill over onto you. I wish that some women respondents would be more expressive about Hy’s bad date. How was it she met this guy? How did she wind up in this situation? It really made me want to scream, but I know that she would feel alienated and not see how truly upset and afraid for her that I am truly am. Nobody is immune to getting a big surprise , but I think being extra careful is a good idea. Maybe I should have used a less loaded word and said ‘casual thrill’. I just didn’t want to water it down. Once again I am sorry if you felt I was rude and wrong with the comment under your’s. I should have made another separate comment.

          As far as writing that we are living our lives for keeps, I stand by that. As far as my experience goes, it was something I wished had never happened. I don’t think I have ever been more afraid in my life.

          Again forgive me any distressed I caused you.


          1. I understand your experience scared you. I don’t think it is necessary to tell othe people how they should feel or behave.
            In fact, when someone tells me how I should feel or behave, I tend to ignore them. The readon being too many people told me who didn’t have my best interest at heart.
            In my experience, it is much more useful to tell someone of my experience and how, why it affected me.
            I also wonder why you keep reading Hy. Your comment makes it sound like you are only reading with the expectation she will fail, she will fall.
            I am quite certain no one needs your worry on their shoulder. You may want to keep your negative energy to yourself, that would make life easier for everyone involved.
            And if you insist on commenting on someone’s post or another’s comment, I would appreciate you keeping it to positive things. We all have enough negativity in our lives.
            I personally don’t need yours.
            Thank you for being more considerate next time.

  4. This reminds me of years back, when I was in between marriages and made the worst decisions I could have made… fucking around like it was going out of fashion, promising myself not to do it and then just doing it all over again… I have no advice for you, sweet Hy, but I am always here for you!

    Rebel xox

  5. I already said this on twitter, but coming back here now, I’m going to say it again.

    You are an amazing woman, and it hurts my heart that you had this horrible experience.

    I know how difficult it is to share these things publicly: Having a horrible experience is bad, sharing it openly and honestly is next level. I truly hope there is some return in it for you in doing it (catharsis, channeling anger, something), but just to say: As a long-time reader, your unflinching openness is one of the things I admire most.

    I know you didn’t ask for advice, but, you know, Fairy Domme-mother and all :).

    Firstly: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I want to shout it like some ‘Good Will Hunting’ shit.

    Secondly: If you have a trusted friend who will tell you the truth, who makes good decisions in dating, and who you respect enough to listen to, ask them to help you navigate the utter arseholery that is the dating world: An objective view can maybe help you to listen to your instincts, and may help you refine your ‘picker’. It’s broken.

    The earlier post you shared about this dude, the one with the text exchange: He was already a disrespectful jerk in that little snippet. You need someone you trust to run interference, review your potential dudes, and tell you ‘nah, not that arsehole’. I suspect you are desensitised to poor behaviour, and just don’t see it any more. I wanted to say it on that post, but I tend to only say stuff if I think it’s useful, and saying ‘this dude sounds like an arsehole’ was NOT going to be helpful :/.

    You seem to hear your inner voice just fine, you might just need some external backup for it.

    *all the hugs*

    Ferns recently posted…Random snippets: An update #dommelifeMy Profile

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