I haven’t had sex since June 22nd. I have a period tracker I’ve been using for years to mark my sexual activity and all of July was e m p t y. I had one tryst at a guy’s office that was hot, but it wasn’t sex. We were both in the middle of our work day and I didn’t want our first time to be over his desk. It was certainly a better lunch break than most others were having, though.
Other than that, not a thing has happened to me. It’s so still, so quiet.
The Golfer is heavy on my mind and I’m deciding what to do with him. The best sex of your life with a drunken, wealthy, golfer with issues basically balances out to a zero sum game. I feel trapped in my own lustful desires. My heart isn’t involved, but my molecules are.
Sex like what we share doesn’t happen every day and I feel closer to the Universe in those moments of release and abandon.
I can’t stop thinking about his turgid member pounding me in all my holes, the twinkle in his eye as he pulls out a new toy he’s bought for me, for us, or his sweet, praising words. “Fuck, you are so fucking sexy I can’t keep my hands off of you!”
I haven’t heard anything like that in so long and I don’t see any respite in sight.
I pop onto some sites here and there and engage, but immediately disengage. Do I even have the time or energy to expend on searching? Perhaps the best course is to commit to celibacy and wait for my lover to resurface then greedily drive to his little suburban paradise and lose myself in our buckets of cum.
Perhaps the best course is to cut all ties and just focus on other things.
Perhaps the best course is to find a replacement.
Perhaps the best course is to sleep.
Perhaps the best course is to make love to my Hitachi more.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
I am lost, but a little found. Fuck, I want to fuck. Fuck, is this what it feels like to be lonely? Is this loneliness? I can’t tell.
I’m fidgety and angsty and frustrated. I want my atoms to mingle with the stars, but I also want to get lost in a love’s eyes. A love’s. But I don’t know if I’m built for love anymore, just lust. Lust I know, lust I trust.
I wish TG would hurry up and just come back already so I didn’t have to feel a thing. I like not feeling.