I’m a poor person who can pay her bills.

Look at that beautiful rug!

My finances are better than they’ve ever been in my life.  I can no longer count myself among the lower middle class/just above the poverty line.  It’s disconcerting and terrifying being “successful” and I’m trying to enjoy it, but it’s a lot harder than you might imagine.

I could get fired at any moment – that’s always a possibility.  Someone could get pissed at me or think I’m a hack and say, Hy, you’re outta here.  I always feel one bad decision or project failure away from living under a bridge.  That’s a scarcity mindset, by the way: that even in the face of abundance I feel like I might lose it all in the blink of an eye [because I don’t feel worthy of the success].

I have (not) insignificant personal debt and that’s my main focus this year.  Now that my career seems stable* and my bosses more invested in me than ever I’d like to knock out that bullshit.  Grad school debt not included.  I’ll be paying that off till the day I die, or I could live like I was making half as much as I really am and knock it out in 10 years, but that seems like a really unfair choice.  Money is to be enjoyed and shared.

It’s weird, though, I still identify as a poor person, not a successful one.  I never had that great of a job in my 20s and chose to pour my money into my therapy and nights out rather than my school debt or travel.

When I look back on where all my money went as a young woman in the aughts it was $300/month to therapy, not a travel fund like my friends who were jetting all over the world.  I was exploring the depths of my own mind rather than the planet.  I don’t regret it in the least, but it did create a deficit in my funds.

When I left my husband who had a 6-figure income I was making a big, fat 0-figure income for what felt like forever.  My entire 30s I was either dependent on him, my divorce settlement, or the kindness of my family.

In my 40s I have clawed my way to a more-than-enough income and it feels like I’ve broken through the clouds at the top of the mountain.  I’m really not sure I belong here, but I sure as hell don’t want to go below that cloud line again.

My 2020 goal is to clean up my debt and recognize that after years of denying myself little creature comforts now is still not the time to over-indulge… too much.  Tickets to Eroticon and some nice clothing and home furnishings notwithstanding.  A girl’s gotta feather her nest and preen a little, after all.

Also, if I can convince myself to leave the house and spend the energy, I now pay for my dates’ drinks.  What a power move.


*Oh please, oh please, oh pleeeease be stable!




February Photofest

Eroticon 2020 Attending


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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7 thoughts on “I’m a poor person who can pay her bills.
  1. there is something exciting as you dig each situation out of existence… as you clean up each mess… I spent my whole 20s-30s thinking that I had to be a millionaire and it nearly cost me everything… I think I accomplished that feat for a fleeting few months and then 2007 hit… I am sure it has shortened my life by quite a bit, but without any knowledge or guarantee of a future… it seems like a lot of wasted energy. I find that the more I focus in what I actually have and what I can actually create and fix things as I can, life occurs a lot better. One of the biggest barriers of a career is the fear… the fear prohibits you from taking risks that might propel you further. The way to limit that risk is not to not take it, but be strategic and limit the variables by being prepared. First notice where and when the fear shows up… then look at the cost and benefits of that fear…. mostly the costs… then get into dialog with someone you trust about the fear to find what you might be missing… Ideally pick someone who has already been through it… but if not, at least someone who will tell you the truth over your feelings. ha ha! (I wrote this for myself more than you!) I am sure you will be great!

  2. I know that scarcity mindset well. It’s why, even though I can see the reality of my success in black and white when I stare at the numbers, I continue to take on jobs from clients because it feels like it could be gone in the blink of an eye. And all I desperately want is financial security and a nest egg.

  3. I understand so much of this. My job has been well paying, but I frequently feel anxiety when it comes to my finances. It makes me scared even when I shouldn’t be. Worthiness plays a role here, so I understand that to well.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…Whatever you wantMy Profile

  4. I remember when I was working my secure but frustrating job to support my wife trough university. At the same time I was also spending like 300€ per month on therapy just to be able to keep this job (although traveling trough my mind was worth the money). Now we both have stable incomes, I can even take parental leave but I still worry about finances. Maybe it is a good thing to take income for granted.

  5. No one mentions ‘luck’. Luck is a factor in just about everything. We are ALL lucky that we don’t get a big plasma burst from the sun, but that is NOT the luck I am talking about. I’m talking about ‘small luck’. The very fact that all who commented ahead of me and after me have made it this far is in part the seeming little things that went your way because you let them go your way. You probably won’t even see these small twists of faith in your favor when they happen.

    Keep the door open. Stay healthy or as healthy as you can. Take care of small details like pumping up your car tires. Sounds stupid, but after not checking on the spare for five years, I found it flat. All these little things set the stage. Try to not make enemies. You can’t please everyone and sometimes you have to step up, but try and not leave a trail of permanent damage. On and on and on.

    Throw your pocket change in a jar. Both literally and figuratively. Things seem to be going your way….leave the door open.

    Leave the door open so that ‘small luck’ can come in and enhance your already stable life as it will find a fertile field. In forty years you will look back and see that all those ‘little lucky breaks’ made your good life possible. Not money, but who you are.

    Sappy? Kind of.

  6. Yay for the financials being better than they were, and you so deserve it to be successful! I know all about being poor, and even though we are definitely not rich at all, I do feel rich if I remember where I come from, where a week before the end of the month I didn’t know how to make ends meet. I believe we should never forget where we come from, as only then we can be grateful for what we have now. Love you wifey!

    Rebel xox

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