Thanks to my time on Instagram, I’ve discovered there are some questions that burn the brightest in people’s minds.

Some things to keep in mind: I’m an anonymous sex blogger, therefore I’m fairly certain you won’t get much satisfaction from reading this.

Q: Where do you live?

A: Somewhere in the US, not in CA.  I grew up in the Bay Area, but left 20 years ago.

Q: What do you look like?  Can I see your face?

A: Beyond what you can find on my IG and blog?  No.  You’ll have to use your imagination.

Q: Are your tits real?

A: As that question.

Q: What do you do for a living?

A: I have an advanced degree in bullshit and immorality and therefore do not share this information.  Last thing I need is for my boss to see my tits.

Q: I swear I’m a nice guy.  Please tell me where you live?

A: Still No.

Q: Why Hyacinth Jones?

A: Ah!  My favorite question!  In a past blogging life my pseudonym was Rose, so when I started this one I wanted to stay in the flower genre.  Lily seemed too obvious and I’ve always been a fan of Keeping Up Appearances.  Jones came from Sex In the City, because, c’mon: Samantha.

Q: Can we be penpals?

A: Sure, I guess?  But honestly I’m not the best at keeping up with people I already know.  Just ask them.

Q: If I send you pics/emails/whatever, will you post them?

A: No, not without your consent.  Since you know about the blog and are trusting me with your private and personal content I am not interested in making this a dangerous place for my readers.  Our correspondence will remain confidential.

Q: What’s the difference with the men you write about?  You don’t get their consent first.

A: They don’t know about the blog, not in order to deceoive them, but in order to protect myself.  I often don’t know these men well enough to trust they won’t tell everyone they know that this woman they met writes a sex blog.  All it would take is one wrong person to know and shit would be bad for me.  I’m trying to keep shit good.

Q: How long have you been blogging?

A: As Hy for 4 years.  Previously as Rose for less than a year.

Q: What is Boobday?

A: It’s my special project to give women a space to be expressive with their bodies and to shift from body shaming to body positivity.  Nudity is not required, but breasts are the focus.  Wanna participate?  Go here and read more.

Q: Do you ever write fiction?

A: I can… I just don’t prefer it.  I leave that to much more talented writers than me.

Q: Can I send you a dick pic?

A: This isn’t an easy question to answer.  Unsolicited with no relationship built between us?  Absolutely not.  It’s like being assaulted with a flashed penis on a sidewalk and those men get arrested.  Think about it.  Have we been chatting?  Are we flirting?  Have I sent you some pics?  Still uncertain?  Just ask and I’ll tell you how I feel.  I’m a big fan of cocks and love helping a fella out in creating a better dick pic repertoire.

Q: Are you really 40?!

A: YES.  God, get over it!  Forty is not 80, people!  It’s not like when you turn 40 you get ass wrinkles or something.  If you were fit(ish) at 39, you’ll still be fit(ish) at 40 (and hopefully beyond).

Q: How old is your child, Peyton?  Boy or girl?

A: Both are classified answers.  I’d have to kill you if I told you.  But I’ve been doing this mom gig long enough to be out of the diaper phase, but not long enough anyone’s asking to borrow the car.

Q: What’s it like to live a double life?

A: I wouldn’t know how to life life any other way at this point.  It makes me sad sometimes that I can’t be open about Hy, but I also understand that my colleagues don’t need to know about my sex life or see my tits.  I’m totally cool with the separation of church and state.  It gets more complex when we talk about telling someone I fall in love with.  I believe I will always run the risk of losing someone over this blog, but the blog is me, so… there ya have it.

Q: How do I talk to older women like you?

A: With words.