In my Psych 101 class freshman year of college we learned about attachment theory and I see it pop up every couple of months in cultural and psychologically slanted articles about the state of affairs in relationships. The theory, in its most basic form, is how you attached to your caregivers as a child affects your behavior and feelings in adult relationships.
Originally the researchers were only looking at it in terms of childhood development, but in the late 80’s folks began to see similarities in adult relationship styles. If you were insecurely attached to your mother, for example, you’d be more likely to display similar characteristics in your romantic relationships.
There are four main types identified in adults:
The bottom 3 are all categorized as “insecure attachment” and I — lucky me — am a couple of those: fearful-avoidant in general and romantically and dismissive-avoidant with my mother and closest friends (according to this really cool test).
“People who are fearfully avoidant in their relationships are uncomfortable depending on others and serving as an attachment figure. Moreover, they worry that others may not be there emotionally when they are most needed.” Dismissive-avoidant types “… are also not comfortable opening up to others and depending on or having others depend on them. In addition, they are not concerned with the question of whether the other person truly cares about them.”
This understanding about myself isn’t new, but it is important because it explains my total hyperventilation when men I date don’t show up in the myriad of ways one might not show up: ignoring texts, not following up after sex, being vague about plans, commitment, their feelings, etc. Dating is a hot bed of psychological torture for the insecurely attached among us. We can’t handle it and it all amounts to fear of abandonment and the push-pull dilemma of going for it or pretending we don’t care.
Enter D/s into my life. A place where I get to dictate the rules of engagement to control for my inabilities to trust others and my ambivalence to try and I feel a little calmer about things. Apparently I am also way more devastated when things go sideways, but for a brief period of time I feel goooood. And it’s worth the experience in general because I get to feel safe for a change.
Things with the Not liberal Liberal Sub have waned significantly since his visit. I have stopped texting him because I have nothing to say. He must be feeling similarly, though he did pop a text my way yesterday wishing me a happy day.
It’s just a matter of time before we alert one another to our feelings for one another. “It was lovely meeting you. I had a great time. I don’t think we should pursue anything romantic or otherwise kinky together. I’d be down for a glass of wine in London, though, if you’re around.”
So now it’s February and my self-assigned January Man Ban is over with and I’m talking to a sexy 39 yo vanilla guy that I kinda dig with ever-changing facial hair, random hot guys who aren’t really worth my time, and staring down at all my insecure attachment trappings thinking, “I got my eye on you, assholes.”
A couple of years ago I realized the benefits of applying the high standards of my D/s life to my vanilla one. As a D-type I take less shit, I may even be slightly more securely attached, and after this last experience with a demanding and less-than-self-aware sub I feel even more armed to identify behaviors and character traits I don’t want. Insecure-attachment style or not.
If what I really and truly want is a fulfilling partnership replete with kinky sex and tender love then only I can choose for that. My attachment style is the gauntlet, my will my armor. Let’s see how I do.
[Ed. Note: If you’d like to read more about attachment theory, read this.]
One of the biggest hurdles in my search for a submissive partner is that I am ultimately a non-person to him. I am a means to an end to fulfill his fantasy of being dominated. My personhood is irrelevant; I just need to be willing and able and breathing and he’s good to go.
What I need out of the dynamic isn’t of interest to him, he assumes that what he gets off on I am the natural compliment to it. He’s into CFNM¹? Then I must love it, too. He likes to be choked? Then I must be looking for every opportunity to grab his throat. He wants to be powerless? Then I love making every decision. He is a kamikaze fly looking for any web he can find.
He feels such freedom from the pressures of performance that it is lost on him that now I am pressured to perform for him. It’s exhausting and bossy and narrow minded and it turns me right the fuck off. It makes me pissy and resentful and is typically how most first emails go.
cruelty is kindness Greetings for the day goddess the slave kneels with its head bowed down and looking to serve and suffer for u. Wish u don’t mind in making the slave suffer. It knows nothing comes for free and it is not a freebie and won’t waste ur time goddess. wish to be owned and onctolled [sic] like a tpe [sic] slave online
Hello Miss, how are you doing? Please don’t hesitate to humiliate and punish me for my tiny cock/
Hi Miss, are you interested in training an online sub from the Netherlands to follow your instructions and complete tasks to amuse you?/p – slave jack/p
good evening from Germany may this tall slave serve you well? with all my respects paul
Everyone wants something from a Domme. It’s basically novel to approach her as if she were an actual woman, and my profiles are all very specific and have a small task buried in the text to weed out those who’d otherwise ignore my wishes. I tell everyone exactly how to treat me. If he doesn’t do it, I don’t respond. And yet…
I also am very clear on not calling me an honorific, but since these men aren’t here for me they do what they like because, after all, it’s actually all about them. They love the idea of being submissive and calling a strange, attractive woman Ma’am or Mistress, or Miss. What do you think happens to me? Yep: I get turned the fuck off.
My web is set, it’s beautiful and sparkles, but dandelions and leaves keep blowing onto the threads.
Looking back on our dynamic I realize now that The Neighbor was an alpha type who liked to get me to dominate him on occasion. When I bossed him around and tied up his raging erections and took his sight away with a sash, it was always on his terms. He was ultimately in control of when we got to play that way, not me. His game, his rules. I was just a rube along for the ride with her heart on her sleeve.
Today I am not interested in being used like that. I want my needs as a Domme to be equal to those of my submissive. If I want him to undress in front of me it will be because I feel like being fucked, but can’t be bothered to undress all the way. If I want to throttle my hot and heaving lover as I impale myself on him, then that is my prerogative and he will be thrilled to feel my fingers wrap around his neck. If I know what I’d like to do, then I will share it. But none of those things should happen unless they come to me naturally and in my own time.
I am not a puppet for his pleasure any more than he is mine. We are a team, yin and yang, night and day. We cannot truly shine without the other.
What I am distressed to find again and again are men whose own desires for sexual domination far over shadow their need to be my kind of submissive.
My experience on Friday left me feeling largely invisible. I know he enjoyed himself – he was in suckling, choking, little bitch heaven – but I never got to my happy femdomme place. I was being directed every step of the way on how to make him feel submissive. I was not encouraged — or allowed — to dominate him in my own way.
It’s the difference between instructing someone on how to make your favorite meal and enjoying a delicious meal of their own choosing cooked for you by a talented chef.
But I’m thinking that it was a first date and I wasn’t planning on being intimate — it just happened — and maybe it’d be better for me in a different setting and maybe he’ll be different and we’ll be different and and and…
I have a little fantasy that you come over before you leave and I can really experiment with our chemistry in the comfort of my own bedroom with all the things I love
When would that happen
I could come to your office for a lunch exam² tomorrow
What would you do to me in your bedroom?
In my fantasy? Kinda late on Monday, like 10 or something. I have a brutally long day and in that fantasy is my need for releasing on someone. But it’s a fantasy. This isn’t some backhanded way of me asking you. I’m not actually sure I’d have it in me…
I am so slammed tomorrow. If we met midday, which I would enjoy regardless of what we do, I’d want you to fuck me and make me cum. You’d have a job to do. I wouldn’t overtly top you other than having you come to take care of me lol
I think I understand you
I might be able to do that
I have a break at 3
Could maybe do 3pm
I have a fantasy of you making me get undressed in front of you while you are clothed
Also having you grab me by the throat, push me against the wall, grabbing me by the balls with your other hand and asking who they belong to wouldn’t suck either ;)
If I can’t tell you who can I tell?
This is true
I’ll catalog it 😉
I toyed with several responses before I landed on “This is true; I’ll catalog it /winkyface.” The first thing that came to mind was irritation, then distaste, and finally resentment. I had just told him what I wanted to happen. I’m glad I went with vague acceptance with a smiley face instead. I prefer to remain apart and not vulnerable.
I had high hopes for the two of us and feeling invisible wasn’t one of them. I am forever waiting for the right one to fly into my pretty little web. I guess I’ll just admire the garden a while longer.
¹: Clothed Female Naked Male
²: By “exam” he means a fantasy of his to be examined by his Domme to see if he passes muster. This is not an interest of mine.
I gripped his throat as I bore down on him, clawed at his chest and pinched and twisted his nipples. My hair hung about my shoulders wild and messy, and my breasts bounced as I rode him until I wore myself out, slumped down by his side and sunk into the mattress and an alcohol-laced sleep.
In the early dawn light his hips pulsed slowly against my rump and I sighed. I was tired — but he persisted and so I engaged.
I played with his fat morning wood not absentmindedly until he asked that I climb back on top of him. I obliged. Tore open the condom, rolled it on. “Guide you in,” I told him as he lay below me with his arms above his head.
What had been wet had dried and the push in was yummy. I rocked and he guided my hand back to his throat. I guided his hands to my breasts.
I worked on him, gently crushing his throat with my hand and rocking my hips, punishing his little nipples. I filled his greedy mouth with my breasts and he suckled as he curved up inside of me again and again.
I rode him until I exhausted myself and slumped down by his side, deja vu. He began to pulse against me again. I lifted my legs over his hip and he pushed back inside of me and curled around to my breast and latched on.
Later, as he jerked himself off beside me, he whispered that he wanted me to make him my bitch, code to grab his throat again. I looked into his eyes and felt a million miles away. I pinched his nipples and scratched his abs, whispered to him that his jizz was mine.
He came in a tumble and soiled my hand and filled his belly button.
I dozed for a little while, spooning him. He pulled me closer into his back and seemed to fall asleep. My alarm went off, the sun had crested and the room was bright, the sky a light grey. I quickly and quietly dressed as my phone chimed with my ride’s arrival.
He stirred and rolled over, sat up for a peck and a hug and I left, exhausted. I’m not sure I like fulfilling fantasies.
It’s taken me this long to post because I had to take my FebPhotoFest pics. I’m not sure if I’ll use any but the one I’ll post today, but it was a fun couple of hours rolling around my couch and bed, I can say that much.
And Sandy is back!!
I’ll leave it at that. I have my first date with the “not liberal Liberal” sub tonight. I’m nervous and not all that excited. I think my heart has officially turned to ash.
But barely. In blog terms, that is. I’ve been considering a lot lately that maybe my time as Hy is coming to an end, at least the version of Hy that I have been. The voracious eater of men and writer of posts.
I’m tired of running Boobday, I’m tired of feeling bad all the time for not being a good blogging friend, I’m tired of not having anything to say that seems sexy or interesting.
This has happened to me before with my old mommy blog, the one I poured myself into as a stay at home mom with a baby and eventually a toddler, but felt all wrong once I left my husband and my “SAHM” status was no more. I struggled with it for about a year, limping along, barely writing anything except gut wrenching posts about missing my baby every day and my fear for the future.
Before I moved out I started my first sex blog, though I didn’t know that’s what it was called. I just started writing the way I write about my sex life, my new sex life. And then I started another one. And then I finally started this one on WordPress and everything changed. Everything.
My life, my loves, my very being was now free to be whatever and whomever I pleased. Seven years on I feel like I have nothing to share anymore and even better, no need to share it. I have my tribe; I’m not alone anymore.
Despite my apathy, I’m looking forward to February Photo Fest and then Eroticon and to the Smut Marathon. I am and always will be a writer and an exhibitionist, after all, and I’m a consummate extrovert to boot, so all of those things embody me to a tee.
And look, I’m even too lazy (and rushed) to link to all the things in this first round draft. I’ll circle back around later and link up.
Anyway, just my two cents to say I’m still here. Mostly.
My blog ate a post! I did the last leg of the Smut Relay last Friday and DomSigns and I looked for it everywhere, but to no avail. I’ve actually been writing, just not for public consumption, apparently!
I’ve also been beyond exhausted this week. Work is kicking my ass and I’m recovering from my weekend in the Pacific Northwest with my framily. Happy, sad, a couple of subs… That’s right: a couple of subs. My Irishman has some company, a man my age from my hometown of San Francisco who may move here soon and who will be in London nearly the exact same dates as me! Seriously. WTF??
He’ll be here next Friday first, though, and we’ll have our first date. If things go well, we may meet up while in England. A coupla Yanks touring the “motherland” lol. I’ll keep you posted! [Insert hands up emoji here]
In any case, I’m around, just discombobulated as usual. Big surprise, I know.