I get some fucked up texts.

Oh, Online Dating, how I love you.

You bring me the most amazing little digital gifts in the form of texts, chats, and emails.  Here I’ll share some of my favorites from the last month.

Like this fella who introduced me to some new shorthand.

Bad texts - IIIW::

Or this guy with whom I made a date for a couple of days after this thread who helped me understand that you’ve got to jump on an opportunity the moment it presents itself no matter what the fuck else you’ve got on the hopper.

Bad texts - got a gf
Compliments are nice.


Bad texts -got a gf
Clearly, he’s into me.


Bad texts - got a gf
Until he’s not.


Then you brought me the dude who — in case I wasn’t already clear – helped me clarify my stance on making jokes about rape.

Bad texts - rapey
I wondered if he’d had a small stroke.


Bad texts - Rapey
Or maybe he was drunk?


bad texts - rapey
Or maybe he thought treating me like a misogynistic bro was the way to my heart?


You also put this guy in my path.  He sent me a goat .gif.  Then offered to send me an awkward email from his mother by way of explaining his sense of humor.   I never got back to him on that.   I mean, who doesn’t love goats?

This goat had mad skillz.


And lastly, Online Dating, I have to thank you for this dude who once again reminded me that, just like my mother used to tell me, bragging gets you no where.

Bad texts - eat for hours::

Is it even necessary for me to add what happened next?

I have to be honest that I sorta miss the ongoing IV of humor I have whilst out in front of all the men trying to impress me.  It’s sorta like watching internet cats.

Poor kitty.



Don’t do this.

Wanna get laid?  Don’t have a monologue with a woman and reveal your “emotions.”

Little backstory, this guy and I have not met.  He’s my age, has a Beemer (cuz he’s posed with it on Adult Friend Finder), and really, really wants to meet me.

I’ve explained to him multiple times that I am not free (Ann is loving on my dog as we speak after she helped me fold all my laundry – who’s the hostess with the mostest??), but he insists on nailing a day down.

And then he sends this:

This does not feel good, you guys.


These are the thoughts going through my mind.

I rarely do this kind of post, but seriously, people. I feel like this is a public service announcement: be reasonable, don’t cross the line, learn to recognize the line.

If I could teach a class on THE LINE I would.  You’d know how to flirt and tempt, challenge and attract.  You wouldn’t offend or turn off and you’d certainly never shut down the openness of a potential amour.

There’s a degree of natural talent to this, yes, but I think it’s mostly a skill that’s honed over time via trial and error.

Sadly, probably lots of error.  Lots and lots of error.