A quiet morning.

I woke up this morning to quiet, a stillness. No one was texting me and – more importantly- no was not texting me.

I told The Golfer last week that I was busy for two weeks and would hit him up when I got free again. This morning I realized I could see him tonight, but my resistance to rejection is either high or low, depending on how you look at it: I don’t want to process yet someone else not wanting to spend time with me.

I don’t remember the last time my life was this man-free. I have always jockeyed for attention and sex from someone. If there wasn’t someone on deck, then I was plotting how to get someone there.

Today, I took my baby to the airport at 5 am to fly to the west coast to be with my sister, took the dog to the river for a two-hour hike and binge-watched Broadchurch on Netflix – the entire first season.

And I completely forgot about The Golfer.

I also avoided doing some administrative life things, but oh well. Sometimes I’m a shitty adult. Sometimes I kill it. Who’s signed up for 4 gym classes this week? This girl.

I took a selfie for the first time in weeks while on the trail and it’s so not sexy, so not revealing, so not sexual in any way I felt like it was worth sharing.

Just me being me. Hot and sweaty at the water’s edge sitting on an exposed root of a 50 ft tall cypress. No nipples, no nudity. Paddle boarders and kayakers rowed by in the baking sun while the dog cooled off in the dark waters along the bank behind me.

I felt calm. And relieved. No one was hurting me and more importantly, I wasn’t allowing it.

Sweat it out.
Sinful Sunday

Tantrums.

I don’t know how else to describe what I’ve been going through except a psychic tantrum on all fronts.

I feel unmoored, terrified, emboldened, devastated, excited, powerful, overwhelmed, gleeful and lost.

Yeah….

It started when Pey left town with my ex for the two-week trip they usually do each year together at the end of June.  If one week without my baby is bad, two is exponentially worse.  Simultaneous to the separation, I embarked on a six-month-long side project at work, that if I pull it off, has the potential to completely change my life forever and those of everyone I care for and love.

Additionally, I have continued to process the enormous revelations related to my childhood trauma and the hole in my heart that ceaselessly demands my attention.  Peter, The Golfer, The Vet, random dates here and there, The Neighbor, powerful articles that sear my heart; drawing boundaries and gaining clarity in my life.  This all seems to be the name of the game for my 2019.

And I am a fucking wreck.

I am smoking again, drinking in excess, not exercising, procrastinating on almost all levels, and I’m going to bed at either 8:30 or staying out way too late with anyone I can get to spend time with me.

The funniest part of all of this is that I doubt anyone would have a clue.  Nothing but Me is falling through the cracks.

Everyone at work thinks I’m doing a bang up job, Peyton adores me as always and things are better than ever, my family are proud of me, my very best and closest friends don’t hate me and continue to support me, my animals are all fat and happy and get lots of scratches and pats and even the plants aren’t dead or even wilting.

I am living in an upside down world where shit smells like roses and the pretty things make me sick.

I’ve never been a “successful” person.  I have never dated anyone who really got and understood me, loved me wholly and rooted for me in all ways.  I have never been deeply vulnerable and connected to anyone.  I have never been financially stable.  Ever.  I have never treated my body like a temple – I’ve always been more partial to a Caligula type of lifestyle.

Yet, I am in the midst of casting aside everyone in my life who treats me like I am worth about as much as a pack of bubblegum: fun to chew for a little while, but ultimately disposable.  I have distanced myself from friends who aren’t caring about my heart and time and done the same with the men.  I am listening to my inner voice for the first time in my life and embracing the awesomeness of that: I get to choose whom I share Me with.  I’m not interested in just anyone anymore.

Still, I’m horny, lonely, and terrified.  I cum each morning and then cry as I whisper to no one, “Leave marks on me.  Please.”  Who would?  I don’t know.  But I yearn for that person in all of this all the same.

I’m allowing my tantrums to play out and watching myself carefully.  Yes, I am making poor decisions, but I think what would be worse would be to beat myself up for them.  I am a steady ship – always have been – I will course correct eventually.  I just may be fat and asthmatic by the time I do, but so what.

One of the most powerful things I’ve realized this year is that seducing someone and getting something from them is not actually love, affection or validation.  It is a nutrition-less elixir that keeps me high and distant from what I need most: grounding.

I look at all of my relationships – from those that involve throbbing cocks to those that include bottles of wine and confessional hearts – and I can see how much I hold back and how impenetrable I really am.  Everyone thinks I’m so open and I still can’t understand why.  No one knows my heart; I never show it.

I’m never brave enough to draw lines and demand better and more and different.  I accept – sheepishly, gratefully – and live on emotional scraps.  I send all the wrong messages that this is ok.  But I actually want people who are as strong as me.  After all, I could handle a boundary set on me and to be asked for better, more or different from someone.  I’d jump at the opportunity to show my love and loyalty.  If a relationship crumbles because I express my needs then so be it; let it scatter in the wind.  Good riddance.

Good riddance to the men who say they want a strong and sexy woman, powerful in who she is, but when she expresses herself shut down and retreat, taking their ball with them.  Fuck the men who say all they want is casual, never showing up to see what’s beyond the playgrounds of our bodies and eliminating the joy of more.  Screw the people who are so fragile they can’t reach beyond their own fingertips to be careful with others’ tender hearts, tromping on everyone on their little private, selfish trail of tears.

I’m tired and cranky and flipping the fuck out.  Excited and enormous in my hope, equalled only by my terror to fail by not trying.

My life is waiting for me just around the corner.  I swear I can feel it.

Fuuuuck.  This is so scary.

 

 

Friday, May 31st, is Boobday! + Announcements!

Big Boobday announcement!  I will be extending the link up through every weekend, ending at 11:55 pm my time (which is approximately UTC -5 or -6 depending on whether or not we’re torturing ourselves with fucking Daylight Savings) on Sunday!

Boobday will now run Friday through Sunday every week!  That means you can double or triple link a post on memes, including Sinful Sunday and Lingerie is for Everyone (which I linked to for this week!).

I’ll do a Monthly Round Up for May next Friday – yay!
And lastly, tomorrow is the start of Every Damn Day in June!  To participate, create a tag or category for your posts called Every Damn Day in June 2019 and put that tag or category link into the link up tool tomorrow.  Do NOT post individual posts.  If you’ve ever done February Photo Fest, it’s just like that.  We’re linking the entire group of posts, not just a singular one.  I’ll have all the deets set up and ready on June 1st.
Love you guys!
xx
Hy

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

My tits:

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter


Lingerie is for everyone

Friday, April 12th, is Boobday!

Hy tits banner in black and white v neck t shirt

Late.  Again.  Big surprise!

I’ve been in a super funk all week.  I even bought a pack of smokes, which I have done only twice before in the past 4 years.  So that should tell you something about my mental state.

Lemme just give a quick update and I’ll fill in the gaps later:

The Golfer – the drunken hookup – and I have met up twice more.  Both glorious.  Of course now he is ignoring me.

Milwaukee –  A guy I met on Seeking Arrangement because apparently I lost my mind for about 5 days and reactivated my account for no good reason, but turned out to be a total surprise of a human.  He’s flying down next week to see me for a couple of days.

Peter – my longtime FWB – came over last Friday and we had a proper date and fucked like monkeys.  In my butt.  I loved it.

The Dom – a 50-something fella I stumbled on on AFF who also is on Fet.  Obviously being openly submissive is NOT my thing, but we met for coffee before I left for London and he emanated dominance and it felt so warm and lovely.  We’re meeting for wine next week.

The Vet(erinarian) – another AFF discovery.  He’s a GenXer like me and also wants to see me soon.  We’ll see.

Ok.  Time for boobs!

xx

Hy

 

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

 

My tits:

Missing this little beautiful room and its incredible shower.

NOT my tits:

Miss B likes her red.

I love red bras anytime possible.  This is one of my favorites.

::

Sexxxy Sannndy.

When you can’t have His warm strong arms wrapped around you on a chilly morning, steal his jacket. Mmmm his smell awakens me

::

 

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

Friday, March 8th, is Boobday!

Hy tits banner in black and white v neck t shirt

Well, as I suspected I blew my writing wad on February Photo Fest and so I’ve been languishing in not writing much this week.  I’m also on an antibiotic for BV and I can’t drink for 10 days.  Not a big deal at all, but it has allowed me to just really have chill and introspective nights alone with myself which I’ve been enjoying a lot.

I suspect I got the infection from my raunchy night with the The Golfer.  Drunk men aren’t the best at not cross-contaminating with fingers in holes, after all.  So no booze what so ever and no sex what so ever, either this week.  It’s been really really great, actually.

Friends and men both have teased me about giving either or both a try, but I have been unwilling to experiment.  I need the puss in tip top shape for my trip to London in the event I get lucky.  I also don’t need to feel the wrath of whatever my body would do to me if I were to introduce alcohol.

So, here I am: sober and sexless and loving it.

Of course, having said that, I will be seeing TG tonight to finally get him his RayBans.  I think I’m going to bring my vibrator and some Topo Chico.

This weekend is the last mad push to get ready for Eroticon and I have lists as long as my arm to get finished before I leave next Wednesday.

As far as boobs go, I think y’all will like this week’s submissions – read Sandy’s comment closely.

xx

Hy

 

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

My tits:

I love doing these selfies again.

NOT my tits:

I love the sparkles on Sandy’s fingers and wrist.

Mother of the groom.

::

Strappy black on Miss B for the win.

This is a fun band bra to wear under anything and protects the precious boobs!

::