I am insecurely attached.

In my Psych 101 class freshman year of college we learned about attachment theory and I see it pop up every couple of months in cultural and psychologically slanted articles about the state of affairs in relationships.  The theory, in its most basic form, is how you attached to your caregivers as a child affects your behavior and feelings in adult relationships.

Originally the researchers were only looking at it in terms of childhood development, but in the late 80’s folks began to see similarities in adult relationship styles.  If you were insecurely attached to your mother, for example, you’d be more likely to display similar characteristics in your romantic relationships.

There are four main types identified in adults:

  • secure
  • anxious-preoccupied
  • dismissive-avoidant
  • fearful-avoidant

The bottom 3 are all categorized as “insecure attachment” and I — lucky me — am a couple of those: fearful-avoidant in general and romantically and dismissive-avoidant with my mother and closest friends (according to this really cool test).

“People who are fearfully avoidant in their relationships are uncomfortable depending on others and serving as an attachment figure. Moreover, they worry that others may not be there emotionally when they are most needed.”  Dismissive-avoidant types “… are also not comfortable opening up to others and depending on or having others depend on them. In addition, they are not concerned with the question of whether the other person truly cares about them.”

This understanding about myself isn’t new, but it is important because it explains my total hyperventilation when men I date don’t show up in the myriad of ways one might not show up: ignoring texts, not following up after sex, being vague about plans, commitment, their feelings, etc.  Dating is a hot bed of psychological torture for the insecurely attached among us.  We can’t handle it and it all amounts to fear of abandonment and the push-pull dilemma of going for it or pretending we don’t care.

It’s exhausting.

Enter D/s into my life.  A place where I get to dictate the rules of engagement to control for my inabilities to trust others and my ambivalence to try and I feel a little calmer about things.  Apparently I am also way more devastated when things go sideways, but for a brief period of time I feel goooood.  And it’s worth the experience in general because I get to feel safe for a change.

Things with the Not liberal Liberal Sub have waned significantly since his visit.  I have stopped texting him because I have nothing to say.  He must be feeling similarly, though he did pop a text my way yesterday wishing me a happy day.

It’s just a matter of time before we alert one another to our feelings for one another.  “It was lovely meeting you.  I had a great time.  I don’t think we should pursue anything romantic or otherwise kinky together.  I’d be down for a glass of wine in London, though, if you’re around.”

So now it’s February and my self-assigned January Man Ban is over with and I’m talking to a sexy 39 yo vanilla guy that I kinda dig with ever-changing facial hair, random hot guys who aren’t really worth my time, and staring down at all my insecure attachment trappings thinking, “I got my eye on you, assholes.”

A couple of years ago I realized the benefits of applying the high standards of my D/s life to my vanilla one.  As a D-type I take less shit, I may even be slightly more securely attached, and after this last experience with a demanding and less-than-self-aware sub I feel even more armed to identify behaviors and character traits I don’t want. Insecure-attachment style or not.

If what I really and truly want is a fulfilling partnership replete with kinky sex and tender love then only I can choose for that.  My attachment style is the gauntlet, my will my armor.  Let’s see how I do.

Cheers.

[Ed. Note: If you’d like to read more about attachment theory, read this.]

 

February Photofest

Friday, November 16th, is Boobday!

Hy tits banner in black and white v neck t shirt

 

Late start to a lazy Friday.  I’m still processing The Neighbor being in my life again, angry every time I take the dog out to shit.  Seriously.

And if you don’t know why I’m upset, then I suggest just digging into all the posts about him.  That is if you have a week of your life you want to lose lol.  I’ve done my best to impart my feelings and provide links for the backstory, but I know that some of you are new here.

But I’m ok.  I’ll be ok.  Fuck it.

Although, I could do without him running around my dreams the past week.  That shit sucks.

This week’s pic of me I chose because I look so damn juicy.  My attitude about my body has changed drastically in the last several months and I feel so powerful, strong, and sexy.  It’s a great place to be.

Sandy gave me an update and she’s doing great.  I also asked if her surgery was a full hysterectomy since I couldn’t remember.

“Was only ovaries and tubes. There was extensive scar tissue which was unexpected so recovery has been slow. Only in the past 2 weeks has that road burn feeling started to subside. Still don’t have clearance to get back to my normal routine but I’ve been working one on one with one of my CrossFit coaches to work around my limitations.

I’m not going to decide on the breast stuff until some time next year. I’ll go through a few rounds of mammos and MRIs and see if anything shows up to cause concern. There’s so much controversy surrounding implants that I want to research it further. I’ve heard using your own body fat is a possible option.

If anyone is interested, prior to surgery I started BioTE hormone replacement (pellet insertion) and I have not suffered any menopausal symptoms. My sex life has been great too. (I’m actually sitting at the Dr now waiting for my quarterly insertion).”

I love you all and hope your Friday is great!

xx

Hy

 

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

 

My tits:

NOT my tits:

Sandy knows what’s up.

Too cold to take out more than one

 


Friday, October 12th, is Boobday!

Hy tits banner in black and white v neck t shirt

This week has been wonderful.  Pey is home with me and in my arms and my Whole30 “cleanse” appears to be helping with my pain by reducing some inflammation.  I think I need to face it: I can’t live on bread and cheese and wine.  What a travesty.  But being able to get out of bed without crying out in pain is worth what feels like a sacrifice.

Yesterday the weather cooled off and as it cooled, my spirits lifted.  I cannot stand the oppressive heat here.  It suffocates me and I feel flattened, trapped.  The first whiff of fall and I am floating along in the street.  It makes my fantasies of moving to England spike and I open my OKC location parameters to the entire world.

Happy Boobday!!

Love you all.

xx,

Hy

 

Not sure what the little bruises are except maybe from my fat cat making biscuits on me.

Panicked that he was late returning to work, Peter got dressed so quickly he left his underwear behind this afternoon.  His loss, my gain!

NOT my tits:

Sandy resplendent.

Just one.


Friday, May 25th, is Boobday!

Hy tits banner in black and white v neck t shirt

By sheer coincidence you’ll be getting two mammogram pics today!  It’s my first ever and I feel really good about having finally gone.  I also find it rather hilarious that Sandy and I had the exact same idea!

Speaking of mammograms, go get checked out, ladies!  If you have larger breasts it’s not so bad.  For you smaller chested sisters it really is as awful as you’ve heard – or so the mammographer told me.  Anyway, do it!

Also, I wrote this week, but couldn’t finish it.  I’ve been getting up extra early because Peyton made the Safety Patrol and we have to be at school 30 minutes earlier and that pretty much means I’ve been falling asleep at 9:30 every night like a toddler (hence the late Boobday post) because I’m old and can’t handle a mere 30 minutes off my schedule.  lol

But I’m feeling the juices swirl again!!

xx

Hy

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

My tits:

Mammogram time.

 

NOT my tits:

Apparently Sandy also had the exact same idea as me! Or I did her!

Prepping for my mammogram!

 


Friday, March 9th, is Boobday!

Today is a blue day for me: Peyton heads to my ex until the morning after my return from England March 23rd. Today is also the last day of being in mommy mode for nearly 4 weeks straight. I’m fulfilled, but exhausted.

Not from the parenting part – that’s been pretty incredible – but from getting up at 6 am 6 days a week, working like a dog, juggling meals, after school activities, being sick (both of us), family obligations and friends, getting ready for my trip, etc, etc.

Ho-leeee fuck. I can totally see how/why full-time single parents don’t date. I haven’t left my house unless it was child or work related. Ok, that’s a lie. I met with a couple of fellas for breakfast and lunch, but that hardly counts.

I haven’t had sex in weeks and though I’m not dead inside I certainly don’t care. I’m looking forward to London and what opportunities will come my way there to satisfy that itch. Hopefully I’ll get it scratched more than once.

Ok, enough with all the words. Enjoy the tits!

xx

Hy

Full Boobday Guidelines here.

One of two ways to participate:

1) either submit a pic to me via email (hyacinth.jones@hotmail.com) OR

2) submit a link below to your own blog post for Boobday.

Also, just as a reminder:

If you send me a pic, be sure to tell me if you want to be anonymous or not and what your pseudonym is (if you have one or I gave you one)

Tell me why you chose the photo you sent

And don’t forget to comment on everyone’s posts! This is all about spreading the love!

My tits:

NOT my tits:

I love the textures and variance on Sandy in this image.

The boy toy was fascinated by something and took this

::

@miss__creant nails it with the black and white.

I’ve chosen this pic because it’s been a long while since I have removed my clothing (IG deleted my account last year) so I thought I’d get in some practice before starting up again now that I have access to IG again!

An InLinkz Link-up


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Before or after?

February Photofest

 

 

I am raw.

I don’t mean to be raw. I don’t mean to push the limits and endurance of your hearts, but I know I do.

I drive for authenticity, magic, integrity. My words and images are everything to me. They are me.

I want my words to connect to fibers of your soul like hot, wet whispers on your ear. I want you to see how much we’re alike despite an ocean between us, mountains above us.

I want my images to grip you somewhere, somehow, even if it’s just a tickle. Especially if it’s a punch.

I may suffer, but I am alive and content; do not ever pity me. I am vivid and bright, eager for each morrow.

This month I am dedicating all my efforts to my accidental rawness. Thank you for being here.

February Photofest

Little resolutions.

I resolve to fall back into the safe space of Hy.

To reconnect with myself and the world, to pin threads which span the globe with my words and heart.

I resolve to be more open and brave, to allow myself to make decisions rather than respond to someone else’s.

To do the scary things.

I resolve to inhabit this bag of skin and bones with love and light, passion and purpose.

To roll gleefully in the mud of life.

And lastly, I resolve to just be me. Remember her??

Hy all cozy

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Friday, December 29th, is Boobday!

hy_tits_banner

THE LAST BOOBDAY OF 2017!!  Should I even bother apologizing for late Boobday posts anymore??  Y’all know how I roll.

Thanks for loving me anyway.  My Internet Boyfriend is truly the best one I’ve ever had.

Today has been busy.  Work, more work, getting organized.  I raced out of the house before I could do the post and then I kind of forgot about it.  I’m not even sure it’s worth promising to be better at this in 2018.  Accepting myself for who and what I am and all that jazz.

One thing I will be working on the next few days, though, is my submission for the Eroticon anthology.  The theme is “truth,” which will be interesting since I have an odd relationship with it.  We’ll see what comes out of me under the deadline [which is Tuesday].

Love you guys!

xx

Hy

 

My tits:

Lucky…?

NOT my tits:

Don’t stare at Sandy… Ok, go ahead.

Quick lunchtime pic

::

All the blues on Annie.
Whatever happens with us, your body
will haunt mine –
– Adrienne Rich

::

Meredith got a lil’ roughed up the other night.