It went out with a pizza.

Hours into dinner and deep conversation Elliot saw an entry point to go where he needed to go.  “It’s me, not you,” was the gist.  A glimmer of a swell building far off shore shortly after we met had now developed into a giant crashing wave of depression.  He’s drowning.

I went to his house full of curiosity.  I was going to tell him it wasn’t working for me no matter what happened between the two of us, but as the night progressed I was more convinced than ever that ending it was the right thing to do and anything physical was out of the question.

He was pinched and cut off, desperate for the air of solitude and quiet.  I was more than a little impressed that he could muscle through our evening as he did.  Despite my reason for being there, our underlying admiration for each other was strong and we easily talked and laughed for hours over the handmade pizza he’d cooked just for me.

I said all that I needed.  The important things I never get the opportunity to usually say and I got closure, something I never ever get.  He’s a brilliant, but tortured man, and I don’t want to be collateral damage.  I want a man who can handle life’s curve balls with aplomb and a positive attitude.

Perhaps had we been dating for more than a mere 4 weeks when this wave hit us I would find a way of working through it with him – perhaps he’d have wanted me to – but it was too soon and we both knew I didn’t owe him anything while he suffered alone in the dark questioning his ever even being open in the future again and wondering when he’d ever feel normal again.

I’m grateful to have met him and to have experienced what it feels like to melt into someone, to breathe his breath and feel so safe in it.  It was fleeting – a mere blip on the radar – but my hope is that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.  Only time will tell if our tide will ever be high again.

I panicked.

Well that was embarrassing.

At first I was overly confident and then I was its exact opposite: panicked, frothing and lost.  Super hot mess coming in even hotter!

I thought I had it in me to look at the bigger picture, to remain calm, and to be reasonable.  What I didn’t take into account is the depth of my emotional trauma from my relationships and dating.

Elliot should have let me know he was taking a break from his phone for a day or two to reconnect with his family and distancing from his phone in general, but I should also have done a better job of recognizing the fear hissing in my ear and not let it wrap its ugly tendrils around me.  I let all the beautiful words he said get drowned out by that hiss.

We’ve gotten back on track – I think – and what I’ve learned is that as insightful as I am into myself, I am completely overwhelmed by a cacophony of negative voices when it comes to processing things that involve my needs, and then I unravel.  Quickly.

I didn’t expect to need something from him after meeting Eleanor and what that meant: needing to see him and hear from him with the same regularity and intensity as before.  Not getting it shook me hard.

A person with a healthier sense of attachment and dating history than me might have been able to coolly move on and wait it out, trust everything she’d heard from a man who has done nothing overt to disprove that trust, and also never reveal her insecurities in the process.  Ah, to be that person. 

It is not hyperbole when I say it felt like I was getting dumped.  That’s how awful it felt to me.

I have suffered for years at the hands of callous, selfish men and my own really bad decisions. I read old posts about The Neighbor and me and I weep at my desperate longing and his cruel rejections.  But my issues with people are so old that I can think back to high school situations where I gave my heart away to people who never deserved it and then suffered the predictable consequences.

I have never learned how to trust someone.  What’s the process there??  Currently it’s a hodge podge of leaps of faith and will power mixed in with a rather low bar to pass.  Elliot has surpassed my bar, but does that mean he’s actually trustworthy?  Can you trust someone after only a few weeks?  It seems reasonable in the moment, but saying the words out loud sounds rather ridiculous.  Though, innocent until proven guilty, right??

The truth is I often don’t feel like I trust anyone and it’s humbling to me that after all these years I could feel that way.  What have I been doing with my life if not creating a network of people I can trust??  I suppose I trust some people a little…

I won’t beat myself up for my feelings since those are completely out of my control.  Instead I will point to them as illustration of my complexes, lo complexities, and insecurities.  I am so mistrusting that when there is a change in cadence and intensity in communication and interaction I completely fall apart.   The sky is falling, they have discovered I am an unworthy person!  I have fucked up!  This can be true in friendships as well.

I desperately try to find the thing that I did to ruin it followed quickly by ascertaining that I very likely didn’t do anything “wrong,” but perhaps they have legitimately hurt me and that’s what I’m experiencing.  The process to determine that is murky at best: when do I have the right to feel mad/hurt/offended/sad/frustrated?  As far as I’ve been told my entire life the answer would be never.

So when I conclude that my feelings are in fact legitimate what do I do then?  I have absolutely no fucking idea.  So I panic.

Do I say something?  Do I hide it and pretend I didn’t care?  Neither of those ever really work and so I perpetually feel painted in a corner where I am not allowed to say, Hey!  That hurt me!  Be gentle!  Do something different, please!  Kthanksbye!

With Elliot I hope to explore those kinds of feelings and that includes possibly sharing them even when they’re spastic and reactionary.  He will either accept me while I experiment  and learn how to moderate them (and perhaps be a part of my education) or he won’t.  That’s entirely up to him.

As far as he was concerned, the past two weeks have been perfectly fine.  He was getting sick then got sick, felt pulled in six different ways, was recharging his introvert battery and giving me space to spend time with out-of-town family.

Meanwhile I was gasping for air, flailing around like a complete lunatic, seeing distance due to a change of heart, panicking because I had needs (OMG NEEDS), and generally working myself into a complete and total hissy fit.

You ever see that His and Her Diary of the Same Day meme?  Yeah…

I’m a little humiliated for revealing my underbelly like I did.  I’m hopeful that I got my mini meltdown out of my system for the time being so I may press on and be my normal, charming, easy-going self.  I’m on a steep learning curve here, high EQ or not.  I have not had a romantic relationship in my entire life where I could fully trust someone in a deserved way.

The next time I feel the hot hiss of fear in my ear I’m going to take a big girl breath of air, exhale slowly and calmly, and let it pass right over me and wait for something to actually happen instead of inventing it.  Maybe that’s the first step to trusting someone: just letting things unfold.

 

 

What goes up must come down.

I am not good at relationships.

That’s all I can think about as I feel mildly despondent and frustrated since hanging out with Elliot and his wife a few days ago.

We drank bubbly and ate truffled cheeses with crackers, laughed and talked for hours – well beyond what I thought was an appropriate time – and by all accounts had a truly lovely time.

I arrived a little late with a bottle of Moët and a nervous smile.  He answered the door – tall as a damn tree – and gave me a quick hug hello.  Eleanor greeted me from across the room. 

We hugged hello and I looked around for a place to sit.  Elliot sat back down in an oversized arm-chair next to the Cubs game that was on mute and Eleanor sat in hers that was diagonal from his 15 feet away.  I was left to the giant U-shaped sectional.  

And so we sat in our 3 spots spaced out across their little family room listening to New England bands with the game on laughing and drinking and generally being merry.  It was odd seeing Elliot so close and yet so far.  I joked about being all alone on the couch, but neither one moved any closer.

I knew going in that it would be chaste, like hanging out with any regular couple I wasn’t sexually or emotionally involved with, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the surreal nature of it.

Eleanor was charming and vivacious, her wit quicker than most and her laugh easy.  Elliot crackled with charm himself and I longed for some hidden message from him about what I don’t know.

I placated myself with a little fantasy that the twinkle in his eye was for me, but who knows.  Perhaps he was just tired.  He’d worked overtime at least two days in a row and was coming off a 15 hour day.  Maybe his eyes were just glazing over.

When he said with a laugh it was 1 am I jumped up, startled.  “What?!  Oh my God, I’m so sorry!  I thought it was 11!”  I felt horrible that I may have overstayed my welcome.  He got me some water for the road and I hugged first Eleanor then him goodbye.  He walked me to the door, but no further.

I felt something about that.

Half way home he texted to tell me to let him know when I got home.  By the time I did he was fast asleep.  I also texted Eleanor my pleasure in meeting her.

The next morning I awoke feeling taut.  Well that was a big fucking deal, I thought.

When was the last time I met anyone of any kind of substance connected to someone I was dating?  The Neighbor hid me for years and I railed against it.  And there’s been no one else past a shitty third date, so when Elliot wanted this meeting to happen and that made me feel special and shiny.

And then… I didn’t so much.

Eleanor texted at 7 am with a bright smiley emoji and an exclamation point, but nothing from Elliot.

At 9:15 I checked in, asked if he was up.  His reply was groggy, energy-less.  “Yeah, what’s up?”  Ummm.

I asked how last night had gone for him and shared that it’d been odd to be so far away from him all night and I was curious about his thoughts in general.  After a 30 minute delay he replied, “It was good.  We had a nice time, everything was cool.”

I had a half-day training that started at 1 pm and at 9:45 in the morning I helplessly watched the wind slowly leave my sails.  My heart sagged.

I texted again.  I was glad they’d had a good time but I was hoping for more feedback:

“Did I do a good job?  Was I an overly talkative asshole??  Was it no big deal for you to sit 6ft away all night bc it was weird for me.  I need to talk about it more.  I’m having a met-your-wife-for-the-first-time-last-night reaction.”

It was painful to be so honest about my feelings.  Normally I hide and pretend I’m the Cool Girl – God forbid I have needs that exceed what I have been given – but I didn’t want to do that with Elliot.  As he has told me repeatedly, I just need to be myself.

He assured me that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that there was no wrong, and that neither he nor Eleanor had felt weird about the evening.  He was gardening while he texted.  “I’m gonna think on it & try to come up with something profound and astute while I’m taming these tomatoes.”

By 12 I had stuffed tears back into my face as I prepared for my afternoon no less than 3 times.  I felt unmoored, lost, blind.  I had not gotten what I apparently needed from him: a proverbial bear hug.  All I had gotten was a little pat on the back.

I put on my big girl pants and told him I was feeling a little hung out to dry about it all and could we talk after my training.  I held my breath before I hit “send.”

He replied right away and assured me again that there was no big debriefing about me, “Eleanor likes you, she thinks you’re cool, she had a good time. I like you, I like hanging out with you, I think you’re smart & fun & interesting & a kind, thoughtful person. There’s no “but.” It’s only been hours since you were over here, and nothing has changed since yesterday morning. I am personally at the end of my energy at the end of this week & need to recharge. And you know all this stuff, you’re a smart communicator and have a high EQ!”

It wasn’t a bear hug, but it was better.  Much better.

I felt relief flood through me and embarrassment that I needed more than what he’d given me originally, then chagrin that I would be embarrassed at my needs in the first place.  Back to relief, then confusion and irritation – why wouldn’t I need more, that was hard!  Round again to more relief.

It was exhausting.

Now I have feelings, he has feelings.  Everything’s all complicated because: feelings.  On top of that I’m an external processor (clearly) and he is an internal one (obvs), extrovert/introvert problems coupled with an insecure attachment style (mine) and possibly and avoidant one of his.

I am a fucking basket case fighting to stay afloat in choppy waters.

Saturday I turned down his invitation to Sunday brunch at his house; it would have been too much for me to be there with their two dozen friends.  He graciously accepted and acknowledge that he’d worried it might have been too soon and overwhelming for me.  All I could think of is if I’d had that bear hug the morning after I may have been able to handle that brunch, but now my confidence was brittle.

This new need for more feels like a burr in my sock, a pain in my ass.

I need more words, more assurance, more something.

I have convinced myself that his feelings have changed for me because he doesn’t seem bothered that it could be weeks before we see each other due to my custody schedule.  And it seems like we’ve spoken much less and the quality of our conversations have changed since meeting Eleanor.  I also feel bat shit crazy because reasons.  Also: I’m crazy.  (See above.)

Besides being emotionally whooped at the end of a brutal week and not being effusive with his support right off the bat he hasn’t done a fucking thing wrong.  I am unbraiding all by myself. Last I checked neither of us were mind readers.

I think I could dismantle anything that’s even remotely working and this is why I believe I am royally awful at relationships, why I feel so wrung out right now.

I’ve spent two decades on a therapist’s couch and I am no closer to relaxing with another human being than I was when I was a little girl and my parents’ love came with changing rules and strict conditions to not need anything different from what they were prepared to give.  It still haunts me today.

At least I recognize my own stark raving fears now whereas as a young woman at 20, 30 years old I had no idea how deep my fear of rejection went, how white-hot its influence.  I am struggling to decipher if what I feel is real or imagined, but I am also clinging to what he’s told me: he likes me, he thinks I’m great, he wants me to be in his life.  I’m attempting to do something brand spanking knew: trust.

So I close my eyes and I remember his endless limbs wrapped around me in the candlelight and his lips on mine, and I think how could I not believe every velvety word he whispers?  Every silken sigh?  Maybe he knows what he’s doing with all of this and I should follow where he leads me even if the path isn’t as brightly lit as I’d like.

So what if I’m bad at relationships?  Maybe he’s not.

 

 

I’m so confused.

Elliot is a long list of things.  Miles of arms and legs and words and mysteries.  Endless lines of communication and jokes and texts.  Long stretches of deep, soft kisses and fingers in holes with toasted brown eyes and endless gazes.

He also claims to not be sexually motivated.

“Sex isn’t my driving force,” he has said on multiple occasions.  And then I twitch.

My exhusband once told me he could live the rest of his life without sex.  I didn’t believe him and I ended up strapped down into a world of loneliness and neglect.  Should I believe Elliot’s claims about himself when I feel so engulfed in all of him?

He is amorous and loving, sweet and sexy, but I wouldn’t call the energy potent or pressing.  It’s gentle and fog-like, achingly tender.  In the moment it’s white hot, but any time before – during the long days apart – it’s chaste.  My bids to flirt and get dirty are largely ignored.  He claims to have felt less of an urge in general over the years and he shrugged it off as no big deal.  I’m not sure what it means for a relationship with him.

Could this be part of why they opened up all those years ago?  That there was a mismatch between drives and styles?  Perhaps they needed different intensities from their lovers.  There’s so much I don’t quite understand.  And tomorrow I meet his other half.

Perhaps the pieces will fall together when I see her and hug her hello, lay my eyes on her chestnut locks and quirky frames.  They’ve invited me to their house for snacks and booze, their little one will be around in some capacity I imagine, but perhaps my access will be post-bedtime.  I don’t know.

I ordered him a t-shirt with floating Scully and Mulder heads on it – I must be falling for him; I used to buy The Neighbor shirts, my exhusband, too.  Can I fall for another woman’s husband whose libido is by his own admission not a big part of his life?  And is that even true?  Is it not??  I’m so confused.

I want to swim in a sea of passion with him, deep as the ocean, as expansive of the sky and all his long limbs.  I don’t want to wade in knee-deep waters, but perhaps that’s the unique benefit of an open relationship.  Perhaps Elliot will capture and have my heart and I will be left to search for that furor with someone else.  Someone elses.

I reread some posts tonight about TN and me from January and March of 2013.  We were so overwhelmed by our lust for one another.  He played my body like a fiddle and he was always ready for me, hungry for more.  Of course he also rejected me with equal measure.  Elliot invites me closer, to open up, to trust.  My head is spinning.

And did I mention that I’m meeting his wife?

WTF.

I think there is a silent hope among them that I might fit into their marriage, too.  Not just for him, but for her, too.  Could she woo me as he has?  Would I find myself lost in her soft embrace with his lips on my neck?  Their hands all over me?  Does a man with a lower libido fantasize about such things??  Could I date a couple?

Each question I have raises more questions, nesting eggs of curiosity and uncertainty, when all I really want is to be wrapped up in his long arms tracing the lines of his beautiful face with my fingertips and time standing still with him inside of all of me.

 

 

 

 

 

Last night he made me dinner.

Last night Elliot darkened my doorway once again.  He ducked his head and stepped inside and I reached up and gave him a sweet kiss hello.  He held a bag of groceries in one hand while the dog’s tail banged on the paper loudly.  Finally he was here.

I had only just gotten off a work call and was frazzled.  The laundry was hidden moments before he arrived and there were still things I needed to clear away.  I busied myself while he put the perishables in the fridge and the dog continued to whack things with his tail.  I peeled off my corduroy blazer and hoped he noticed my new tan lines against the violet of my strapless dress.

I twittered and fluffed around him while he uncorked a bottle of red I’d bought.  “You seem nervous.”

“No,” I assured him, “That was just an intense meeting.”  I made sure to avoid eye contact as I said this.  I was nervous.

I was nervous because with each passing moment I like him more.  With each passing hour I see more of a human I want to know.  With each passing day I feel his spirit and humor.  With each passing everything I am crumbling into dust.

We took our wine and sat on my blue velvet couch.  My feet tucked under his thigh and his long legs folded out into whatever available space he had.  We laughed and talked about human things: our jobs our days our babies our mothers.

We remarked on the impossibility that we were sitting there so close.  He had written me despite my very clear disinterest in married men.  And I had responded because there was something there.

And then suddenly the conversation turned to his wife.  “So, just to be clear, we’re basically still waiting, right?”

“Oh,” he said smiling.  “She said ‘Yes’ about three days ago.”

I jumped and hit his arm.  “Elliot!!  Why didn’t you tell me!!”

“Well, I didn’t think it was something I should text you!” he laughed.

“Of course it is!  That way I wouldn’t be worrying about this amazing married man who I super like possibly leaving my life because I can’t handle not being with him sexually and freaking out that I’ll lose out on a friendship too!”  I stopped only to take a breath.

“Seriously!  I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

His grin ate his face and he pulled me down onto it and we breathed each other’s puffs and smiled together and I wished I’d hidden the laundry on my dresser, too.

::

We finished the white wine he’d brought while at my little dining room table.  The house smelled like brown sugared carrots and balsamic reduction with smokey salts and my heart felt like exploding.  I cleared our plates and returned to the table and got lost in his whiskey colored eyes.  I hung on every word he uttered.

“I better do the dishes,” I said and got up and headed to the sink.  I’d changed into a white t-shirt and stretchy cotton skirt, no bra, somewhere around the time he was deglazing the pork pan.  He sidled up behind me and cupped my breasts on the outside of my shirt.  I leaned into him and looked up, he bent down and caught my mouth.

He lifted me up onto the counter and our hands roamed as our lips locked.  I pecked at his neck and undid his buttons.  He pulled my shirt up and off just as I got his off of him.  I spread my knees and pulled him against my bare breasts.  His bulge above the counter top cradled in the pocket of my thighs.

So much is in a kiss.  It is care and skill, thoughtfulness and play.  A kiss is hope and it is momentum.  A kiss can start and sustain, it can also smash me to smithereens and shoot me to the stars.  I may have appeared to have been in my little kitchen with a large man between my legs, but I was actually in orbit. Did you see me last night twinkling in the night’s sky??

I lit candles in my room and he made a joke about my laundry.  I probably told him to shut up, but who really knows?

His magical mouth was on my breasts and pulling on my nipples.  His long fingers stroked and his hand slammed against me as I moaned and spilled out my weak heart onto his warm skin.

I tugged off his black American Tall underwear and filled a little more than two fists with thick hot man meat.

“Look at you!” I admired what was in my hands.  “You’re no fucking fruit fly!!”  He laughed uproariously – he’d been gleefully torturing me about “being hung like a fruit fly” for days not knowing anything about the anxiety that produced in me.

“I am quite happy with what I’ve got.”

“As well you should be!!”

I stuffed as much as I could down my throat and he moaned.

“Show off.”

We played and kissed and I came and he played with me some more.  Curled and cuddled into each other we dozed and I told him my fantasy to have a man who loved me no matter what or who I did.  Someone who was happy that I had a married boyfriend and a fuck buddy and a sub and who understood I was still his.

He squeezed me tightly and kissed my temple.  “I hope you find that, too.”

He operates under the notion that when I find someone who can give me “more” than he can that I will end our liaison.  What he doesn’t seem to believe is that he has already given me more than I’ve had in years.  Possibly ever.  I won’t be ending this any time soon.

It was getting later by the minute and I was still in orbit inside the ring of his long arms.  I rolled onto my back and his left hand hooked into me and I came crying into his mouth, his swollen, pulsing cock in my hand.  We dozed again.

When I stirred he woke, too.  “I have to go.  I’m so tired and have to be at work at 7.”  I kissed him long and slow, my fingers tracing the whiskers on his jaw.

“Wait…”

I switched on the Hitachi and pressed it against me.  His hand full of a breast and his mouth plying mine with comet tails.  I cried into his mouth as stars burst through me and I sparkled away.

I turned into him, nose to nose, and traced his lips with my fingertips.  “I am crushing so hard on you,” I leaked out.

“When will you believe that I’m not going anywhere, Hy?  I don’t let just anyone in.  I take this very seriously.”

“I’m trying, it’s just so hard.  I like you so much.”

“I like you, too.”

He made moves to leave again, but I convinced him to lay with his head on my breasts folded in my arms and we sailed through space together for a few more heartbeats before he had to get dressed.

We passed through the apartment making sure he didn’t forget anything and as he was leaving I stepped up on my kitchen stool, now slightly above his eye-level.  He wrapped his arms around me I melted against him and played with his hair.

“Saturday.”

“Yes, Saturday.”

I hopped down and walked him to the door where he bent down and kissed me again.  I floated back to bed and haven’t landed since.

An InLinkz Link-up

I’m shook.

It’s been 18 months since I invited anyone into my life via this blog, my thoughts. Without looking I want to say it was Rex, but I could be wrong. There have been so many since The Neighbor left me, so many inconsequential in and of themselves but consequential in their numbers. I have dated. I have searched.

And none have made me feel as special as I have for the past 3 weeks since meeting Elliot. I am confused and excited, nervous and biting my nails about what the outcome will be.

We can’t hang out this weekend like we’d hoped so he’s promised to make me dinner next week. Just like that, an instant solution. No one has treated me like this in recent memory, like something to valuable.

He may fade away soon if it’s a no go for us but I want to carry this feeling forward with me, this sense of being worthy and special to someone. I hope it alters me and my expectations of men going forward and I never settle for less again.

Being treated like a whole and real person has reminded me of what I am: a whole and real person.


A kiss is all it may ever be.

He came by my office after work today and we walked to a nearby Italian place. We laughed about the overly attentive waitress and he showed me how he squeezes lemon on his pizza like real Italians do.

And then it happened: we do not yet have the green light from his wife.

I struggled to keep my face smooth when all I wanted to do was crumple on a pitiful sob.

He’s a decent man and he watched me intently, looking for signs of upset. “Are you ok?”

“Not really.”

A soft silence landed between us like a pile of cotton. I looked at his worried brown eyes and respected that he made no promises.

I surreptitiously gulped air and slowed my heart, staved the tears like a good little Dutch boy with his dam. This was what I feared the most, but there was nothing either of us could do.

“I still want to know you. I keep thinking I should invite you over to meet everyone.”

“Who?”

“My wife and kid. But then I think now isn’t a good time.”

“If she says no to this, I’ll need time. Maybe we could pick up later, but I’d need to gather myself.”

He assured me he wasn’t motivated by sex. “I just want to know you.”

We leaned back into that pillow of silence and looked into each other’s eyes. His the color of coffee, mine the color of a stormy sky.

We shook it off and talked some more, about things that weren’t sad. We became Instagram friends and he told me he liked my face as well as everything else about me. Even the dimples I don’t actually have, but that he insists exist.

We walked back up the hill relaxed and friendly. At my car we kissed. Slow and formal at first and then as if the breeze carried lust on it more deeply and hungrily.

He nibbled my lips and stroked my tongue and I held on to him for balance as I raised up on my toes to close the gap. Long pauses with our lips locked, bodies pressed against one another, and our breathes mingling.

I could feel his heartbeat.

We separated and I opened my car door.

“Wait,” I grabbed his hand. “One more.”

His mouth crashed down on mine and he held me as he tipped me back a little off my feet. His mouth was silken, his beard rough and we kissed many times more. We pulled apart again and I was a little breathless.

“I like how you count,” he said.

I looked at him curiously.

“You said ‘one more’.”

I laughed and got in my car and tried not to cry. Phil Collins sang In the Air Tonight. Home safe and successfully tearless he texted me:

Hey, I had a super fun time – I always have a super fine time. I think you’re such a thoroughly terrific person & I feel really energized talking with you and being around you. I think you’re the tits (:

I smiled and responded in kind.

Fuck.

I suppose now all I can do is reserve the tears for after a red light and pray to all the gods for green, because I can’t imagine what getting to know all six feet seven inches of him inside and out would be like. I imagine it’d feel a lot like winning the lottery: lucky as fuck.


The heart hangover is real.

Today I’ve floated in a quasi-state of semi-panic.

I said too much.  I am too much.  I revealed far too much.

I am so bad at this real normal human dating bullshit.  And what the fuck am I doing again???  He’s married.

And this could end so very badly for me.  There is something out there in this relationship with him that’s bigger than me: a family, a kid, a wife.

The priority will always be them, not me, but ohmygod, he’s so fucking lovely.  Stupidly tall and delicious, funny and self-deprecating, sweet and simmering.

He’s promised to “darken my doorway again,” but this week is bad for the both of us.  He’s processing things, but “not one thing I shared is negative,” he assured me.  There’s just no time between children and work and Father’s Day on Sunday.  Poof, the follow-up face-to-face time I need to settle the fuck down isn’t possible and I am vibrating with regret and fear.

I don’t know why he would bother with me.  I’m complicated.  My secret double life has cost me a man or two in the past already; I wouldn’t be surprised if after a few days Elliot decides he doesn’t want anything to do with it, either.  With me.

I don’t know what came over me, but if I could un-ring that bell I would.  I don’t like feeling this shallow of breath, this crawling of skin.  I prefer to have had shown not one of my cards except the Joker between my legs and definitely not the Queen of Hearts.

It was too soon.  Maybe it will always be too soon.  I don’t like that I am such an acquired taste and wish instead that I could be gobbled up by anyone I wanted, but no, instead I am whiskey in his coffee.

 

 

 

 


He touched it.

Elliot met a table full of my friends last night.  “Don’t worry,” I texted him when he said he wasn’t sure he was ready for that.  “They only just now found out that the friend I’m hanging out with after dinner is a man.  This isn’t a big introduction.”

We were waiting to get our credit cards back from the waiter and were sipping on champagne when he arrived.  The jokes were off-color and the laughing loud.  I didn’t linger long, though.  I said our goodbyes and we quickly left.

We drove around north of town talking like I might have done with a date had I ever gone on one in high school.  It was innocent and heavily reliant on only ourselves, not booze or loud music or some kind of adult activity.  It was pure.

Eventually I suggested we go park at an overlook outside of the downtown lights, a dip in the highway I’d passed 10,000 times in the 23 years I’ve lived here and never stopped to visit.  The city high rises sparkled like gems against the night’s sky.

He cut the engine and we talked for more than an hour and played with each other’s fingers.  I told him unsavory stories and stressful real life turbulence mixed in with boob and clown-feet jokes.  I couldn’t get enough of his soft brown eyes and the way his hair sometimes flopped across his forehead before he’d comb it back with his long fingers.

I wanted to not be there anymore.

“Wanna just go back to my place and have some wine?”  Of course he agreed and it was there he saw the Truth anthology on my kitchen island.  He picked it up as I puttered around with our wine glasses.

“So what’s this about?” he chuckled.  “Doing a little personal research or something?”

I paused and thought for a second as I poured the wine hoping I looked nonchalant.  “Nope.  I have a piece in it.”  He looked at me curiously.  “But I’ll have to kill you if I tell you which one.”

He flipped through it and luckily I had dog-eared several stories – mine included – so I was still safely hidden.  When he opened the page to mine I was careful to keep my face blank, but I wondered why I had done that.

We took our drinks and sat on the couch and kept talking.  Hours and hours of it with my feet on his lap and the dog intermittently annoying us.  We listened to U2’s Joshua Tree as I painted layer after layer of my story.  Loss, love, hilarity, exploration.  And then I suddenly found myself pressed against the glass of my own secrets and I couldn’t breathe.  I decided to tell him about the blog and just exactly how Truth had landed in my kitchen.

I didn’t tell him the URL or the name, I didn’t tell him I’m Hy, but I told him I was a writer and I was proud of the content I create.  I told him about Sonofabitch and how The Neighbor had been my muse.  I told him about the IG account and hustling for money by offering access to a my ridiculous Snapchat account which had actually financed my last two trips to London.

I let it all out: the things I was proud about related to this blog and how important all my friendships were to me that I had cultivated as a result.  He listened raptly and not in a little wonderment.  He was impressed and honored.  Honored that I had divulged something so precious to me and impressed at this new revelation that there was even more to me than met his eye.

The ever-present weight of my secrets lifted and I almost magically floated into his arms.  We kissed and tasted and I breathed him in as both me and Hy and I felt my heart melt just a little.  My hand strayed to his lap and felt his cock pulse beneath the denim.  I let it rest there and squeezed just a little.  It continued to surge of its own bloody volition.

I straddled his lap and nibbled his ear.  He buried his face in my cleavage and his giant paw grabbed a handful of meat on my buttock.  But all our clothes stayed in place.  He moves slow, he said, and I am right on pace with this glacier.  I had just bared my soul to him.  No need to expose anything else.

He stayed until almost 4 in the morning and only physical limitations made us end the date.  That and he didn’t want his baby waking up to him being gone when that hadn’t been the plan the night before.

We kissed goodbye in the entryway and he had to duck his head just a little as he left.

This morning I woke up and felt hungover.  Not from the wine, but from the sheer intensity of exposure.  I felt like I had been well-fucked, though not even my areola had become peeked out in our passionate embraces.  My heart had been touched, though.  A lot.  I had let it out of its iron box and it was seen and held and gently handled.  I was spent.

We texted a little throughout today, both sleep deprived and me searingly bashful; we can’t wait to see each other again.  He told me between bouts of kissing that he thought all the people in his life whom he cares about would love me, including his wife.  And he wants and hopes that we are friends at the very least for a long time to come.  I hope so too.

I am the first to admit that I am a complicated woman.  I’m excited that I have this unique opportunity to know a lovely man with silly big feet and soft, pillowy lips with whom I can open up and share all my secrets, but also am still aware that I’ll never be his number one.  It seems contradictory to all that I yearn for and yet I think being his number two would feel far better than being no one’s number anything  – and an opportunity to finally let someone touch my heart because god knows no one has touched that in far too long.

And I like it being touched.